Life as I know it chapter 5

*James*

I dragged myself out of my car, grabbed my bag from my trunk, and then dragged myself up the steps and through the door. Dead on my feet, all I could think about was my bed, as I dropped my bag right inside the door.

“How was the flight?”

I jumped at the unexpected voice. “Fuck, Robert, you scared the shit out of me!”

He laughed, “Sorry.”

“What are you doing up? You have to be at the restaurant at 6:30.”

“I wanted to make sure you got home ok. I don’t know why you insisted on leaving your car at the airport; I could’ve picked you up.”

“Because it was a late flight, and someone is supposed to be asleep.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, but I missed you.”

I walked over to the couch where he was sitting and joined him. I grabbed him and kissed him until we both had to pull away to catch our breath.

“So, how was it?”

I had talked to him every day while I was gone, but I didn’t get into detail about everything. “I don’t know; I mean, meeting the son you thought was dead, is hard. I guess it’s hard to wrap my head around what I’m feeling. Dana was my best friend, and now I’m torn. What she did cost me my best friend and my son, and, now, I want to be angry, but I also want my best friend back, and I’m not going to get that chance, because she’s dying. Maybe if we felt we could talk back then, this wouldn’t have happened, and I would’ve had my best friend and son all these years; but I know that I can’t do anything about the past. It’s just frustrating, because my emotions are a jumbled, fucked up mess. I’m so used to having it all together; now I don’t.

“Hey, it’s normal, you know? Having all these mixed emotions, it’s because you care.”

“Yeah.”

“Have you given anymore thought to what I said to you the last time we talked?”

“Yeah, but I’d really like to get some sleep; we’ll talk about it later.”

Sighing, he got up, and grabbed my hand to pull me up as well.

“You know, I know you’re scared, and I don’t want to add to all the shit you are going through right now, but very soon that boy is going to walk through that door, and he’ll be devastated and angry, and one more thing won’t matter. I’ve spent six years in this house, in that bedroom, and I won’t put on an act and lie to make him feel more comfortable. Maybe that makes me an asshole, but I don’t care. I’ll care about Kyle as if he were my own, but don’t think for one minute that I would be ok with being the ‘roommate.’”

“You really want to get into this now? Ok, well, I’ll tell you what I’m thinking; he doesn’t know me, he doesn’t want to move in with me, he’s losing everything he loves and cares about, and I don’t want to add fuel to that fire. I want to get to know him first; I want him to become comfortable with me before he knows. I don’t want him to hate me before he gets a chance to know me. I know we’ve talked about this a lot on the phone; I know I have to tell him, but I don’t want to right now, and I think it would be a good idea if you would move into the apartment above the restaurant. Nobody is renting it right now, so it shouldn’t be a problem, and it’s just for a few months; just until he gets settled.”

He looked at me with this expression that was part shock and disbelief, but also sadness and it tore at my gut. God, I hate doing this! I’m a fucking coward. He tried to speak, but nothing came out, and then he stormed off, heading, not toward our bedroom, but one of the guest bedrooms, and slamming the door behind him. This was bad, very bad!

                                                                         ~~~~~

Three weeks passed, and we both went through our routine: get up, have breakfast, go to work, come home, dinner, TV, bed. I finally got him to agree to sleep in our bedroom after two weeks, but he stayed on his side, and as far away from me as he could get. I knew I was in the wrong; I realized I’m a fucking chicken, and I just needed to be honest. I know that you shouldn’t start a relationship of any kind with lies, and that’s essentially what I wanted to do with Kyle, but I’m scared, ok? Scared! I admit it. I’m scared, because I’ve missed sixteen years of his life, and I don’t want to fuck up my chance at a relationship with him now. He seems like a good kid, but what if he hates gays? I mean, look at where he has been raised; not exactly the most gay-friendly of states. Hell, being gay was what caused Dana to lie to me about Kyle to begin with. She overheard me talking to a guy, and did what she did. Being gay cost me watching my son grow up; I don’t want it to make me lose a chance at having him in my life now.

I was awakened by my phone ringing. Instantly, my heart started beating fast, and my hand shook as I reached for my phone. Oh God, oh God, oh God. I looked at the clock as I answered . . . 2:47 AM.

“Hello?”

“James?”

“Yeah.”

“James, its Jack. Listen, I know that we were supposed to call you when it seemed like it was almost time. I know you wanted to speak to her some more, but, James, she, uh…well, she fell into a coma tonight. They don’t expect her to wake up again. I’m sorry James, really sorry; I know you wanted to…shit.” I heard him start to cry, and my heart ached.

“Jack, I’ll be there as soon as I can, ok?”

“Yeah, see you soon.”

For the first time in over three weeks, Robert reached out, pulling me against his chest.

“She fell into a coma tonight; she won’t be waking up. I didn’t get to say goodbye. Oh fuck; I hope Kyle got the chance.”

“You want me to go book you a flight?”

“Yeah, that would be nice.”

“Ok, I’ll try to get one as early as possible. Why don’t you pack?”

“Robert?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

He just nodded, as he left the room.

I got out of bed and grabbed my suitcase, and started packing, yet again. Not knowing how long I would be there, I just grabbed a week’s worth of clothes. I went back to my closet, and, taking a deep breath, I grabbed my garment bag and a suit. I carefully put the suit into the bag, and then sat down on the bed.

“Are you ok?” Robert asked, as he came into the room and sat beside me.

“I don’t know. I mean I’m sad for me and for Dana; for the time we lost, but mostly I’m sad that Kyle has to lose his mom. I want him in my life, but I wish it didn’t come at this cost. I don’t know how to comfort him. I don’t know anything about him; it’s all uncharted territory; and, at a time when he needs all the support he can get.

“Jamie, you are the most caring person I’ve ever known; just be there for him, listen to him. It will work out, you’ll see. I didn’t want to bring this up now, but seeing as you are, bringing him back with you, I want you to know that, while I don’t agree with you about lying to him, especially with all he is already going through, I will move into the apartment for one month; only one month. After that, I would hope that you are ready to let him know, because if not, things are going to get even more complicated. I’m agreeing to this, because I love you, but I want you to know that I do think it’s not the best way to go about this. Think about it . . . he doesn’t know you, and he certainly doesn’t trust you, so what will he think when he realizes you lied to him? The way I see it, any trust, any sense of comfort he has after that month, will be for nothing; all that building of trust will crumble, and you’ll have to start all over again, except, this time, it won’t be as easy.”

“You’re right; I know you are, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling how I do. I just don’t want to lose him before I really have a chance to know him.”

“Well, you have a month. Anyway, I managed to get you a ticket for a flight leaving at 5:35 am, so you should probably leave soon.”

“I love you; you know that, right?”

“Yeah, I know; I love you, too. Have a safe flight; call me when you get there.”

“I will.”

“I’ll walk you out,” he said, grabbing my luggage and garment bag.

At the car, he gave me a kiss and a long hug before he said, “Just be there for him.”

“I hope I can help him get through this; I can’t imagine going through this at his age.”

“Me either. Remember, call when you land.”

“I will, mom.”

He laughed, “I mean it, son; call.”

I laughed at that, and got in the car.

I managed to get through security fairly quickly, and had to wait a while before it was time to board. When they announced that they were now boarding, I was more than ready.

All my thoughts were about Dana and Kyle. How was I going to get him through this? Thinking about it, I realized that I’m the bad guy to him. While I’m not responsible for what is happening to Dana, I am the one taking him away from his grandpa, and away from the only place he knows; away from his friends, his school, his entire life as he knows it, and that all happens just a few days after he loses his mom. I just hope I have the strength to help him through all this.

*Kyle*

After Jamie left, my mom’s health seemed to deteriorate quickly. Within four days after he left, I called my grandpa, asking him if he could stay here with me. He decided that he was going to move out of the place where he was living. He said that he really didn’t need it anymore, and that it was grief that put him there. He said, “What kind of father am I if I don’t spend as much time with my daughter as possible.” He was only there two days before he realized that it was time for hospice to help us, so we called, and they sent a nice nurse named Terry.

It was so sudden. It was like she had been keeping it together to make sure I was taken care of, and after she had set it up so that I would be ok, she just started giving up. I think she was just tired. I didn’t want her to go, but I didn’t want her to be in pain either. It had now been a little more than two weeks since Terry started helping. She put my mom on some heavier pain killers, so she slept most of the time. Yesterday, she seemed more alert than she had for a while, and we had a talk. She talked about my life in Seattle, about Ethan (who had been to visit every day), about Jamie, and how she saw him as a person. I know what I overheard, though, and I’m still not sure that she was right. She told me that she had asked my grandpa to sell the house, and put the money in a trust for me. I didn’t like that idea, because I wanted to be able to come back here when I was old enough. This is my house, the only house I’ve ever lived in, but she seemed insistent, and I didn’t want to argue. She told me how much she loves me; how proud she is of me, and told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her. I told her that I love her, and that she is the best mom I could have ever had, and that I’m lucky she is my mom. We spent hours talking, before she fell asleep. Today, she didn’t wake up, until a few hours ago, and when she did, she looked over at where I was sitting, where I had been sitting most of the time I wasn’t in school, and she smiled faintly; she said she loved me, and then she fell asleep again.  When Terry came in to check on her, she looked over at mom, then checked more closely, and told me that she was in a coma. She went to wake grandpa, to tell him. I asked her if she would wake up, and she said ‘no.’ I broke down then. I had kept it together for the last three weeks, and I couldn’t do it anymore. Grandpa grabbed me and hugged me, and we cried together.

When we calmed down, I sat back down in the chair by her bed.

“Son, why don’t you get some sleep? It’s one in the morning. I know it’s a Saturday, but you have got to get some sleep; you haven’t gotten very much recently.”

 I’m fine, grandpa; I can rest here; I don’t want to leave her. What if I’m asleep and she…you know.”

“Well, at least go get a pillow and blanket, or something. I have to call Jamie.”

I nodded, and did as he said. I curled up in the chair, trying to make myself as comfortable as possible and dozed lightly.

The next thing I knew, I was being shaken gently.

“Kyle, Jamie will be here soon.”

“So.”

“Son, I know you don’t like the idea of going to live with him, but he really is a nice man. He’s like the son I never had. Why don’t you get some breakfast from the diner down the street? I think Jamie will want some time alone with your mom, don’t you?”

“I guess. What do you want me to get?”

“How about pancakes for all of us.”

“Ok, let me get a shower first, and then I’ll go.”

I took a shower, and then I went to get the food. When I got back, James was just getting out of his rental car.

“Hi, Kyle, how are you doing?”

How am I doing? Is this guy serious? My mom is going to die soon, and he asks how I’m doing? Well, ‘shitty’ about sums it up. Ok, yeah, I realize he is just trying to be nice, or start a conversation, or something, but I don’t want to be asked something like that. Isn’t that a stupid question anyway? I mean, it’s obvious how I’m doing, right? I guess I should give him a break; he’s trying, right? But I’m just not feeling very giving right now, and don’t think I’ve forgotten about what I overheard; I haven’t.

“Hmmm, shitty, that’s how I’m doing; you?”

“Shitty sounds about right, actually,” he said, with a small smile.

That made me smile back, damn it!

“I’ve got breakfast; we can eat, and then you can go see her.”

He sighed, “Ok.”

He pulled out his luggage and a garment bag. When I saw that garment bag, it really hit me! She really was going to die soon, and that bag was holding the suit for her funeral. I was going to break down again; I could feel it, but I held it in check until I could get the food into the kitchen. My grandpa was sitting there, having coffee, and he looked at me, getting a concerned look when he saw my face.

“I’m going to go wash up for breakfast.” He nodded, with a sympathetic look, and I hurried out of the room, tears falling down my face, as I hurried up the stairs to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and really let go, sinking to the floor.

I don’t know how long I was there, but, after a while, I heard a knock on the door. “May I come in?” It was Jamie. I had managed to calm down, and had just been kind of staring off in space.

“Yes,” I replied.

I was still sitting in the floor. When he walked in, he got down in the floor with me.

“Your food is ready when you are. It can be warmed up.”

“Sorry; I just, I saw your garment bag, and it hit me what you are here for.”

“Kyle, I’m here for you. Yes, I’m here for Dana, as well, but I’m here to support you, to show I care, and to take you back with me so that we can get to know each other. I am so glad that you are alive, and I’m thankful that I get this chance to get to know you, and I only wish that it wasn’t due to the situation we are in, but I really do want to be a part of your life. I am so deeply sorry it has to be like this, though. Dana is the best woman I’ve ever known, besides my own mother of course.”

“But the last time you were here, I was going to go see if you wanted to watch a movie with me, and I overheard you. You said you didn’t want me, and that you knew you had to,” I admitted.

“What are you talk…oh, I see; is that why you started acting all cold toward me? Well, I’m sorry, Kyle, but I’m afraid you misunderstood. I do want you, believe me. I was talking to someone about something, and, yes, it involves you, but it has nothing to do with wanting you or not, and I really do want you to be a part of my life. We’ve been denied sixteen years, and now we have to make up for it. So, how about some breakfast?”

I nodded. I still wasn’t sure I believed him, but I was willing to try getting to know him.

Over the next few days, we took turns staying with my mom. All there was to do was wait for the inevitable.

On Saturday, October 1, 2011, at 2:57 pm, my mom passed away, surrounded by those who loved her.

                                                                        ~~~~~

If I have to hear one more person say they are sorry for my loss, I’m going to scream! Oh, let’s not forget the “are you ok?” Of course not, people! I had had enough.  Four hours in a suit, hearing condolences and prayers, my mom in a coffin, looking nothing like she looked in life, and flowers everywhere; and now I’m back at my house, and people are eating. I don’t understand that. How can people eat at a time like this? I don’t think I could eat anything without it coming back up. All I want to do is take off my suit and crawl into bed, pulling the blanket over my head, and sleep. At least, then, I wouldn’t have to deal with the stabbing pain of losing my mom, and that’s when I actually feel anything.

Ethan managed to stay strong for me, and he didn’t even hold my hand, though I knew he wanted to. He did hug me a lot, though. The funeral was in a word . . . beautiful. I know that may seem like a weird word for a funeral, but it was actually peaceful. Everything had been picked by my mom; everything from the coffin, to the music, and the music made me think of her. One song even made me smile; it had always been her favorite, and when I was little, she would dance with me around the living room to that song.

When it was finally over, and everybody had left, except for Ethan, Jamie, and grandpa, I headed up the stairs to my room, and got out of my suit, and then into my bed and just laid there. My mom was really gone, and I had to leave soon. I fucking hate this!

I heard a knock on the door.

“Kyle?”

“Yeah.”

“Can I come in?”

“When have you ever asked that? Of course you can,” I said to Ethan

“Well, I didn’t know if you wanted to be alone or not.”

“I always want you with me,” I said

“I told your grandpa that we were going to take a nap, and he said, ‘ok.’”

“A nap sounds nice.”

“I mean a real nap, Kyle.”

“I know what you meant; I do want a nap. You have to get out of that suit, though.”

He got out of his suit and into some of the clothes he keeps here. We didn’t talk; he just climbed into bed with me, and pulled me to him, so that my head was on his chest, and we fell asleep almost immediately.

The next few days passed by quickly. Grandpa decided that he would stay in the house for a few months, until he found a place to live and could sell the house. He told me to pack the things I wanted to keep, and he would ship them to me.

Before I knew it, I was at the airport, two suitcases in hand. Grandpa and Ethan came with us to say goodbye. It was so hard to leave Ethan, but we talked about it, and we decided that we would just apply to a bunch of universities, and pick one we could both go to. Two years isn’t so bad really, but it seems like it is. I just hoped he could deal with staying at his house a lot more. I’ll also miss grandpa; I wish he could move with me, but he loves living here.

“Jamie, why don’t you go ahead, and I’ll catch up, ok?”

“Sure.”

When he was gone, I grabbed Ethan in a long hug, and kissed him. Then I turned to grandpa, and did the same (though the kiss was on the cheek). I whispered to my grandpa to take care of Ethan, and watch out for him. He nodded.

“I love you so much,” I said to Ethan, as I hugged and kissed him one last time. “A little less than two years, Ethan; we can do it.” He nodded, with tears in his eyes. “I love you, too.”

“Don’t start; you’ll make me cry; no tears. We’ll be together again, and we’ll visit each other, too.”

I told grandpa I loved him, and turned away while I had enough strength to leave. I didn’t want to go, but I suppose we have to do things we don’t want to do, sometimes. I guess I just realized that, sometimes, we don’t have a choice, and I could either make the best of it, or I could make Jamie miserable, and, in doing so, make my life miserable too.

I caught up with Jamie, and we boarded the airplane; next stop, Seattle, Washington.

Life as I Know it chapter 4

“Hi, Dana, is he here?”

“Yes, he’s in the kitchen. Follow me.”

My heart started beating faster than it already was; so hard I felt like it would beat out of my chest! I watched the door as it swung open, and I got my first look at my father. I looked up, and up and up; this guy was tall! Taller than Ethan’s 6’2’’, that’s for sure. He looked to be at least 6’6”, if not more, and built, too; but then I got to his face, and I saw my face . . .  same structure, same brown hair, and his eyes were like mine, green. His eyes betrayed how happy he was to meet me. I stood up, feeling small and insignificant next to him. I held out my hand to shake his, and he took my hand and pulled me into a hug. At first, I felt uncomfortable, but it soon felt good. I had had plenty of hugs throughout my life from my grandparents and my mom, but this felt so good. I didn’t want it to; I wanted to be angry. I didn’t want to move to Seattle, and feeling so good about a hug wasn’t helping.

He pulled away, and I saw tears in his eyes; this big strong man was getting all tearful over me! Oh damn! I’m in trouble; how can I hate the guy now?

“Kyle, right?”

“Yes.”

“You can call me James or Jamie; I doubt you’re ready for anything else right now.”

I shook my head. “Jamie it is then; please sit.”

My mom came on in and said, “Wow, Jamie, you haven’t changed a bit. Would you like something to drink, while I put the finishing touches on dinner?”

“Water would be great, thanks.”

“I’ll get it, mom,” I said, already on my way to the refrigerator.”

I got us both some water, and sat back down at the table. I couldn’t help but stare. I’ve had a wonderful life, and I’ve never really felt the absence of a dad, but in the back of my mind I would sometimes wonder what he looked like; did he look like me? I always wondered what he was doing with his life and, not knowing that he didn’t know I existed, I would wonder if he would think of me; if he wondered what I was doing at a certain moment. Now, he was right here . . . a couple of feet away, and all I could do was stare at him. Oh, before you think I’m being weird or something, I should mention that he was staring at me, too; though he had this dreamy, happy, teary look. I was in a little state of shock, I guess. Finally, he turned his attention to my mom, and I saw his expression change. I think he had forgotten the reason he was here, in the first place. She turned toward us, and I saw his expression change, and he put on a fake smile for her benefit.

“Something smells wonderful, Dana.”

“It’s pot roast, your favorite.”

“The one your mom used to make?” he asked excitedly. I could understand the excitement, because that pot roast is very good.

“Of course,” my mom replied.

Soon enough, we were helping ourselves to the pot roast and stuffing our faces; well, I was, and so was Jamie; my mom picked at it. She had been losing her appetite over the past week or so, and this didn’t go unnoticed by Jamie. I saw him watching her, a look of concern when she wasn’t looking at him. Dinner was silent, a comfortable silence, but silence nonetheless. What do you say to your dad, a guy who you have just met after 16 years? What does a man say to the son he thought he lost? What does the mother say to the man she lied to? It was like . . . if we didn’t say anything, the issues didn’t exist, and we could be comfortable with each other. Eventually, it was time for dessert, and my mom told me to get the milk while she got the cookies. She told Jamie to sit, because he was the guest and, although you could see he wanted to argue, he listened.

I was just getting the milk, when I heard a crash, and I turned and saw my mom standing there, looking in disbelief at all the cookies on the floor. It happened in a split second; Jamie and I both ran to her.

“I-I’m ok; I guess my hands just slipped, and…oh Jamie! I’m sorry; I wanted it to be perfect; I made your favorite cookies, and now they are all over the floor.” She looked like she wanted to cry.

“Hey, Dana don’t worry about it; it’s ok; why don’t we help clean this up, and then Kyle and I can go get some ice cream. You can go lie down for a bit, and I’ll bring you back your favorite . . . mint chocolate chip with hot fudge and whipped cream, right?” He said this with kindness in his eyes, and she responded with a small smile. “Yes, how did you remember?”

“Hmm, maybe because we went for ice cream at least twice a week for as long as I can remember; you always got the same thing.” He smiled at her, gave her a hug, and said, “Besides, this gives me a chance to get to know Kyle. Now go lie down, and we’ll pick up the chocolate chip and dirt cookies.”

She laughed at that, and gave me a hug before she went upstairs to her room. I let out a sigh, and started helping clean up. The more time passes, the worse she gets, and I have a front row seat; it’s hard to watch, and I could only imagine how hard it is on her.

Jamie squeezed my shoulder when we finished, in a way that made me think he knew what I was thinking, and said, “How about that ice cream?”

“Ok, there’s this place on 5^th and Langley that makes the best ice cream; Ethan and I go there all the time.”

“Who’s Ethan?” Oh shit! I hadn’t meant to mention Ethan.

“My best friend.”

“Ok, lead the way; you drive, right?”

“Yes.”

“Well, why don’t you drive us?”

“Ok.”

We got to the ice cream place and ordered; it turned out we like the same kind, except he likes cherries, and I don’t. We sat down, and both started eating our ice cream in silence.

“So…,” Jamie said, breaking the silence.

“So…,” I replied.

“So, tell me about yourself. What kinds of things do you like to do?”

“Umm, well, I like movies, books, hanging out with my friends, music. I don’t do any sports, but some of my friends do. I don’t know; this isn’t easy; I don’t know what to say.”

“Yeah, I’m kind of feeling like that, too, but I’m sure we’ll get to know each other eventually.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry,” Jamie said. “This isn’t easy; I thought you were dead. It’s hard to wrap my head around everything. I’m sure it’s not easy for you, either, but it will get better.” He stopped suddenly. “I wish this wasn’t happening to you, Kyle, not because I don’t want to be a part of your life, but because nobody should have to lose their mom at your age. I know it won’t be ‘better’ in that way; that’s not what I mean; I just mean that this not knowing what to say will get better; we’ll get to know each other and, hopefully, we can start to try to make up for all the years we’ve lost.”

“Yeah, maybe. Listen, I hate to bring this up, but, well you seem like a nice guy; it’s just I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to change schools, or lose my friends; I don’t want to move across the country to some place I’ve never been, and live with someone I don’t know. I also don’t want to leave my grandpa here alone, and I don’t want to give up the person I have in my life who is very special to me. I would like to get to know you, but I was thinking that maybe I could get emancipated or something. You could always visit; I could, too, but I don’t want to live with you. I really do want to get to know you, though.”

He sat there for a while, looking at me, and finally said, “I get it, I really do, and I can’t begin to imagine how you must feel about all this, but you are sixteen, and while you may think you are grown up enough, you aren’t, and you have someone willing to help you through the hard times ahead. For those who don’t, or for those who have people who don’t care about them, emancipation is an option; but I care about you, and I haven’t been around for the last sixteen years; give me the next two, please. At least give me a chance. I’ll bring you back here for a visit sometimes. You’ll be in college in two years, and then you can decide if you want to continue to be a part of my life; I hope you will. Your mom wants this; I want this. Just think about it.”

I didn’t want to think about it. I mean, what is so bad about wanting to stay here? I can take care of myself. I can get a job, and the house is already owned by my mom, so it goes to me, right? Ugh! I don’t even want to think about this; I don’t want her to die; I don’t want to move away from Ethan, or my grandpa, and I don’t want to lose my friends. If that makes me a selfish asshole, then that’s what I am. You can’t say I’m selfish when it comes to Ethan, though. Those vultures he calls parents will drain the life out of him. Maybe he can come with me if I have to go. What would Jamie think of having a gay son? I don’t think my brain will ever shut down.

We finished our ice cream in silence, and then Jamie ordered my mom’s ice cream. When we got home, Jamie told me that they were going to talk for a while. I called Ethan and told him what had gone on that day. We must have talked for at least an hour, before his mom told him it was time for him to get off the phone and go to bed. I had just hung up with him, when Jamie came into the living room, with red eyes, and sat down next to me.

“Is she ok?” I asked.

“Yeah, she’s fine; she enjoyed the ice cream, and now she’s just lying in her bed watching TV. What are you watching?”

“I’m not watching anything; I was talking to a friend; I just got off the phone right before you came down.”

“Oh, ok. So, umm, what do you normally do now?”

“Different things . . . get on the internet, watch TV, listen to music, do homework, if I have any, hang out with my friend Ethan; just different things, but to be honest, it’s been a long day, and I’m tired; I think I’m going to go to bed.”

“Oh, ok, no problem; I guess I better do that, too.”

I got up and got to the foot of the stairs before I heard my name.

“Kyle, I know this isn’t the most comfortable of situations, and I know it might feel awkward now, but I’m glad we are getting to know eat other.”

“Me, too.” I said, before climbing the stairs. I stripped down and got into bed, but despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. James is a nice guy; I’ll give him that, and he does seem to want to get to know me, but I still stand by what I said . . . I don’t want to leave. It’s not so much the moving that I hate; it’s the leaving my grandpa and Ethan behind that I don’t like. I know that no matter what I say, I’ll have to move. I just wish I could take them with me.

The next morning, as I made my way down the stairs to the kitchen, I heard laughing. I couldn’t help but smile; how long had it been since I heard her laugh? Too long. I felt myself grow to like him just a little bit more at the thought that he was making her laugh.

“You just had to wear those baggy jeans because everybody was wearing them, and I remember you were trying to act all cool strutting around, and you went to get your food, and were walking to our table, and down those jeans went! Right there in the middle of the cafeteria! I about died laughing, and you looked so mortified; it only made me laugh harder.” She laughed hard at this, and I made my appearance known by laughing with her.

“Really? Who would ever think that was a good look?”

“Why you little…” He went to grab for me, and I ran.

“Boys, come on, breakfast will get cold. Kyle, I made your favorite . . . chocolate chip pancakes.”

“Yes!” I said, as I quickly made my way to the table. We had a nice breakfast, telling more embarrassing stories, some involving me, though I protested, and then my mom said she was going to lie down. James said he had something he had to do, and left to go to the guest room, and I was left sitting there, wondering what to do. I could go to Ethan’s, but his parents don’t like me, and they would be breathing down our necks the whole time, and I can’t invite Ethan here; we might slip and out ourselves to James. We never have to hide here, and it might be too hard to hide it now. I just don’t want to take the chance of not having a place to live. I don’t know him well enough to know if he would be okay with me being gay. Eventually, I decided to go see if James would want to see a movie, so I went up the stairs, trying to be quiet, in case my mom was sleeping, and went up to the guest room door.

“I know, I know I just…”

I stopped myself from knocking, because I didn’t want to interrupt him, and turned to head back downstairs, but what he said next stopped me in my tracks.

“I don’t want him…. Yes, I know I have to…”

I couldn’t listen to anymore; I just went to my room after that. He didn’t want me? Well, that’s fucking great! Great show he put on! He’s a good actor, making it seem like he was glad to be getting to know me, and this morning? It was great; I hadn’t laughed so much in a while, at least not since my mom’s diagnosis. Why would I move in with a guy who felt like he was obligated to have me? Two years of hell is what it would be. At least if I was here, I would have Ethan and grandpa.

*knock knock*

“Yes?”

“Hey, Kyle, I have to go somewhere; will you be okay here?”

“Yeah, I’m not five years old; I’ll be fine,” I said a little rudely, but I was pissed.

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Okay, I’ll, uh, be back in a couple of hours.”

“Okay.”

*James*

If I could describe what it’s like to learn that your child didn’t die, and is actually alive and well, shock is what you feel; followed by anger, and then a deep feeling of sadness to the core of your being. I also feel betrayed by the person I thought of as my best friend, but the more time I take to think about it, the more I feel like I understand it. Does it make it right? No, but although it wasn’t the right thing to do, at the time it felt right for her, and I know that she thought she was doing the right thing for me. Kyle seems like a good kid; he is your typical teenager, selfish, but he also thinks that he is doing the right thing when he says he doesn’t want to leave. I’m hoping I can talk his Grandpa into moving to Seattle. Dana and I talked about it last night, when I took her the ice cream, and she told me what happened, and how she thinks that the fall, her father took, scared him more than actually hurt him. She said she didn’t feel it indicated that he couldn’t care for himself, and that he hadn’t had a fall since. She said that she thought he was just lonely after her mom’s death, and that when he fell, he had to face the fact that he wasn’t so young anymore, and that his wife had died, and he was all alone in a big house. I think that if I could get him to move to Seattle, that Kyle would adjust better, so I’m going to go talk to him.

When I got there, I quickly found his room (Dana had told me the number) and knocked on the door.

“Come in,” Jack said.

I stepped inside and saw Jack sitting in a chair with a book. He looked up then, and grinned.

“Jamie? Well, I’ll be damned, boy! it’s good to see you! Come over here and give me a hug.”

I couldn’t help but grin back, and went to give him his hug. My dad was nice to me; he treated me well (when I saw him). See, my dad often had to travel for business, and my mom got bored easily, so she had a job that took much of her time, as well, and Jack and Ellen (Dana’s mom) were there to help fill the gap my parents left. Jack was the dad I wished my dad could have been as I was growing up. Jack took me to baseball games, to the park, out for ice cream, and various other places. He treated me like a son, and I can’t help but feel a little betrayed by him for not telling me the truth, but I guess, like Dana, he thought he was doing something good; he loved me too much for that not to be his reason.

“Sit down, Jamie,” he said, suddenly serious.

“I know why you are here. First of all I have to tell you how sorry I am that I didn’t tell you the truth. When Dana told me everything, the phone call, her lying to you, and why, I felt that it was probably best that you thought it was true. I wanted you to be happy, and I knew that Ellen and I could help Dana in raising a baby, and I also knew that going away was probably your one chance at becoming a doctor. When I was eighteen, I was in the same situation with Ellen, and I had a full scholarship as well. I wanted to be a lawyer, but when I found out Ellen was pregnant, I put it on hold. I told Ellen that I would just save the money and go later, but as time went on, things came up and the money always had to be spent on something. That’s why I knew that if I didn’t lie, as well, that you would stay and, despite your intentions at going to school later, you probably wouldn’t. Of course, I would have offered you the money, but I knew you wouldn’t take it; and not only that, but I knew you would never marry my daughter. I knew that you wouldn’t be happy here with her. I know now that I was wrong, I know you would have made sacrifices, but I know you would’ve done so to be a father. I made those sacrifices, and I don’t regret them one bit. I wish I could go back in time and make it right, but I can’t; all I can do is hope that one day you can forgive me.”

“Jack, I can’t say that I do forgive you completely, at least right now. This is a huge shock for me. I mean, I’m happy that I found out I have a son, but I’m also devastated that I didn’t get to see him grow up. Anyway, about why I’m here. Dana explained to me that you fell, and I hope she doesn’t mind me telling you this, but she told me that you hadn’t fallen since, and that she thinks that you are able to care for yourself, and that you don’t really need to be here. She said that she thought that you were lonely in that big house by yourself, and that the fall scared you more than it would have if you hadn’t lost your wife just a few months before. I think I have to agree; you look great, and I know this isn’t really a nursing home. It’s more like one of those assisted living places for retired people. I heard that you took an early retirement, but hell; you are only in your fifties! Who do you think you were fooling? You don’t need to live in a place like this. I think the only reason Dana agreed was because you had just recently lost Ellen, and she couldn’t bear to say no to you.”

I couldn’t help but laugh! It was ridiculous, funny, and, yet, sad all at once. I had to get him to move to Seattle; he has to start living again, and I don’t want to take Kyle away from him.

“You’re right. I just wanted to get out of that house. I couldn’t live there without her, and I didn’t want to take over Dana’s house, either. She wouldn’t have minded, but I didn’t want her to feel like she had to take me in. Lately, I’ve been thinking of getting an apartment and getting out of here. This place seemed like it was the right place to go at the time; I was still mourning over Ellen, and I couldn’t seem to take care of myself. I couldn’t remember when to eat, drink, or anything. Dana had to call and remind me to do things, so I would keep myself alive. Now, I think I’m ready to start living again.”

“Jack, I want to make you an offer. If you don’t mind me asking, how much do you pay per month to live here?”

“$1200, why?”

“Ok, well, I was wondering if you would consider moving to Seattle. You would be able to see Kyle all the time, and you would be able to start over; get your life back together in a new place.”

“I don’t…”

“No, wait, hear me out. Kyle is having a hard time with the reality of having to move away from everything he knows; rightfully so, I might add, but I thought that if Kyle had you around, it would make the adjustment easier; plus, I would have my second dad back,” I said with a grin. “I have a guest house that is separate from the main house, and all you would have to pay is the utilities and whatever food you want, if you don’t want to eat in the main house.”

He stayed silent for a while before he finally spoke.

“I can’t do that. Jamie, you just met each other, and, yes I agree he is and will continue to have a hard time with all the changes, but you didn’t get the chance to be a father for the first sixteen years of his life, and he didn’t get the chance to have a father. Yes, he will be stubborn; he won’t like moving; it will hit him hard when Dana…when he has to leave everything he knows, and he will take it out on you. If I were there, he would come running to me with all his problems, and I would be his excuse for never getting to know you; and then he will be off to college, and the two of you won’t have built a relationship. I’m not saying it will be easy; he will test you like you’ve never been tested. I know my grandson, and while he is the kindest, sweetest kid you’ll ever know, he is also stubborn, and he can be hurtful, if he wants to be, but it will be because he is hurting and will take it out on you. I do want to be close to Kyle, but I want to give the two of you a chance to build a relationship, and if I were there, I would get in the way of that. Here’s what I’m offering; I will move to Seattle when I feel like both of you are acting like father and son, but, Jamie, don’t tell Kyle any of this. If he knows that I’ll be there eventually, he’ll only act like he is getting along with you; he won’t seriously view you as his dad. I know you will love each other like a father and son should, eventually. In the meantime, I’ll wait right here.”

We spent the next hour catching up, talking about nothing important, and avoiding any more serious conversation. When I got back to Dana’s house, it was quiet. Dana was sleeping, and Kyle was gone, so I sat on the couch, and turned on the TV, which I didn’t really watch. It seemed like my brain would never slow down. Regardless, I fell asleep.

*Kyle*

I couldn’t believe he told whoever it was on the phone that he didn’t want me. That hurts. I mean, I know I don’t want to move in with him, but still, he is my father. How could a father not want his son, the son he thought was dead? I didn’t want to bother my mom with this; after all, she seemed tired lately, and I didn’t want to wake her up, but eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore, and went to talk to her. Luckily, she was awake, watching TV.

“Mom?”

“Yes, honey?”

“Umm, well, I need to talk to you about something, but I don’t want you to get upset.”

“Just tell me, hon.”

“Well, I went up to see if James wanted to watch a movie with me, and I overheard him talking on the phone. I wasn’t eavesdropping, I swear. I turned around to head back downstairs when I heard him say that he didn’t want me, but he had to take me.”

“Honey, are you sure that’s exactly what he said?”

“Well, no; he said, ‘I don’t want him,’ and then he said, ‘I know I have to.’”

“Kyle, I’m sure you misunderstood. We had a long conversation when he brought me my ice cream. Kyle, he is absolutely thrilled about getting the chance to get to know you. You don’t know who he was talking to, or really what he was talking about. James is a very nice guy, and he wouldn’t say he doesn’t want you. If you could have seen the look of devastation I caused when he thought I lost you, then you would know that he does want you. Kyle, it really will be all right, you know. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you have people who love you, who will make sure that you are happy, even if it takes a while for you to find that happiness again. I will always be with you right here,” she said, while placing her hand on my chest. “Trust me, he does want you.”

I nodded, but I know what I heard, and I’m not convinced I misunderstood. I stayed with her and watched TV for a while, before I told her I was going to go see Ethan. It had been too long, and I really wanted to talk to him.

~~~~~~~~~~

James stayed for three more days, before he had to leave to go back to work. I was civil to him, but I couldn’t help but replay in my head what he said; and it made me dislike him more as time went on.

“Bye, Kyle. I’ll see you soon…well, not too soon, I hope.” I knew what he meant; he didn’t want me to lose my mom too soon. I, or my grandpa, was to call him when we thought the time was near. I hoped I didn’t see him for a very long time.

“Bye, James.” I said, reluctantly returning the hug he gave me. He turned toward my mom and said, “I’d stay if I could, but I can’t.”

“I understand; bye Jamie.”

I watched him get in the rental car and drive away. I would see him again, soon; too soon.

An Important Notice About Josh Goes to College

I was naive. I sat on my couch one day, it was well over 100 degrees and I sat in my air conditioned apartment with nothing to do, there was NO way I was going outside in the heat. I was tired of TV, tired of the internet, there was no new stories on Nifty and I got curious. 'What if I wrote a story?' I clicked on the submissions button and read what they required, 'hey, I can do this how hard can it be?' the first chaper of Josh was written an hour later, no thought to where it was going or anything. Oh how naive of me. For those of you who are authors as well, I give you my utmost respect. I was one of those readers who bitched at authors who didn't update for several months, I don't now. I know what it's like to not have time to write and I know how I feel when I realize it's been way too long since I updated. My heart goes out to all of you. I've received more emails than I can possibly count telling me everything from "I love Josh" to your life stories, you have all touched my heart. I've laughed, I've even cried over your emails telling me about yourselves. What touches me, makes me hopeful are those stories where some of you have discussed having a partner for 30, 40, 50+ years, those are the ones I especially get teary eyed over.

I wanted to end Josh at their graduation but when I was feeling overwhelmed I sent out a notice that Josh would end with ch 14 and I got countless emails begging me to keep going and I decided that yes, since I did want it to end with their graduation originally, I made the decision to keep going, though I had no idea how to get to their graduation, I said I would take a hiatus to come up with ideas but as all of you know, I have yet to give you ch 14 and Josh hasn't been updated since January. At this point, taking a hiatus isn't right and I have not had the time to think about where Josh is going so what do I do? Write ch 14 and then make you wait several more months? No, I can't do that to you. Besides, I don't know if I have the time to try to think of where to go next. I have a lot of stuff coming up in my life over the next several months, stuff that will limit my time even more. I have decided to end Josh with ch 14. I know you are all probably disappointed, sad, angry at me and you have every right to be, I haven't been reliable. I will tie up all the loose ends, all the questions you could possibly have about the characters in the epilogue. My mistake with Josh and to a lesser extent Life as I know it, was that I didn't plan out the story (stories), I had no idea where I was going with Josh. I can understand if you avoid future stories written by me but I can assure you that I have learned from my mistakes and I will not post another story until it is complete or nearly complete so that you won't have to wait a long time nor will you have a story you like, ended before it really should be.

It hurts me to disappoint you all and I've disappointed myself as well, I truly was naive about what it took to write a story and ending Josh now definitely wasn't what I wanted to do but for my wellbeing and for the sake of all of you and the fact that I don't want to make you wait several months for me to figure out what to do with the story, I'm ending it with the next chapter instead.

Life as I know it will continue, for how long I'm not sure but it isn't even close to ending at this point. I can safely say that there are several more chapters and at the rate I update, that is a long time.

I deeply apologize for having to do this, my heart aches but I know that I made the right choice, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Please give me another chance in the future, I will like I said, make sure I complete a story before I post. Ch 14 of Josh will be up soon, maybe a week.

I hope all of you are well

Sam

Life as I know it chapter 3

I sat there shocked. What does she mean she found my father? Why would she do that? Finally, I got out, "Father? But why?"

"Kyle, what's going to happen when I'm gone? Where will you live? Honey, I…I just want to know that you are taken care of; that you are loved. Your dad is a good man. I want you to live with him."

"But I don't know him; he doesn't know me! How do you know he will even want anything to do with me? I'm sixteen; I can take care of myself." I sat back, my arms across my chest. It's not fair! I'm going to lose my mom, and now I might have to move away? Move in with someone I've never met? NO! Fuck, no! I will not lose everything else, on top of my mom. I will not change schools; I won't move away; I won't lose my grandpa, the only family I'll have left; and I will not lose Ethan! I sat there glaring at my mom, but seeing the wary look on her face, I softened my expression; I'm a selfish asshole!

She sat back, getting comfortable, and she began telling me what she calls 'the biggest mistake of my life.'

Your dad, James, and I were very close friends. Our parents were friends and neighbors. In fact, it was an ongoing joke to the four of them that they did everything together. They married around the same time, bought their houses at the same time, and our mothers were pregnant with us at the same time. James and I were born 3 weeks apart, and we were friends from the beginning. We didn't go through the 'cooties' stage; in fact, we really didn't see each other as 'boy' and 'girl'; all we knew is that we were best friends.

We made it all the way to senior year without me having a boyfriend or him having a girlfriend. Looking back, I know that people thought we were more than friends. We were curious about sex; who isn't at that age? We decided that we didn't want to be virgins when we started college, so we decided to experiment. We had a saying, "Who else can you trust if you can't trust your best friend?" So we were each other's first kiss; first everything, really. We didn't want to be in a relationship; it was really just sex.

When I found out I was pregnant, I panicked. James' family didn't have a lot of money, and he dreamed of becoming a doctor. The only way he could go to college would be if he got a full scholarship, and he managed to get one to a school in Washington. Anywhere close to where we lived only offered him partial scholarships and we had accepted that we would be separated for college, but when I found out about you, I decided I didn't want to tell him, because I didn't want him to give up his dream."

She smiled wistfully. "I knew that if I told him, he would stay; he's just that type of person. He knew something was wrong, and he kept trying to get it out of me. Eventually, I broke down and told him. Just like I thought, he said he would stay and go to a community college. I cried for a long time over that. I didn't want him to give up on his dreams. I had been accepted to a university close to home, and I knew that my parents would help me with you, but James? Staying meant that he wouldn't get to do what he wanted, or at least that it would take more time, more struggling to make it. I didn't want that."

She stood up from the chair and walked over to the window, looking, but not really seeing.

"I had a difficult pregnancy. I almost lost you several times, especially at first. Every time, James would be right there in the hospital with me, holding my hand, reassuring me. One time, I began having problems, and James came running like usual. After I told him everything was ok, he relaxed, and so did I; I fell asleep. When I awoke, he didn't notice; he was talking on the phone. What he was saying . . . it shocked me, but it also made me feel guilty. I knew I could never give him what he needed; what he wanted. I had to let him go. I had to let him live the life he really wanted. I wanted him to go to school; I wanted him to be happy.

The next time I ended up in the hospital, I lied to him. I told him that I lost you. As soon as it was out of my mouth, and I saw the devastation on his face, I knew I made a mistake. I should have talked to him about what I heard; I should have tried to figure out how he could be happy, yet still be your father. Lying to him is my biggest regret. I'll never forgive myself for depriving you of a father, and him of a son.

The next month, he left for school, and I started school as well. My parents moved with me, because they knew James' parents would find out about you when I grew bigger. James called me often, but I felt so guilty. I told him that I needed some time, and I asked him not to call again; that I'd call him. I never did. Because of my lie, I lost my best friend; my parents lost their best friends; you missed out on a father; and he missed out on a son. I thought I was doing something good, but I quickly learned I wasn't, and I was too much of a coward to admit I lied."

She turned toward me and said, "I'm dying Kyle; I can feel my body starting to betray me. I can't make up for the past, for my mistakes, but I can try. James is a wonderful guy. He is funny, caring, honest, and I know he would want a chance to be your dad, to get to know you, to watch you grow into the man you are already growing into. I know I'm asking a lot. I'm asking you to live with someone you don't know, change schools, move half-way across the country, leave Ethan…but I want you to get the chance I never gave you the opportunity to have. I want you to know your father."

She sat down in her chair, exhausted, and I sat there speechless. Finally, I said;

"I always thought he never knew, but you…you lied; you deceived him, his parents, me! You made me think that my dad was just some random guy." I could feel my voice rising. "You had all this time to make it right, all these years to try and contact him, and tell him the truth, and you are just now doing it? Have you even called him yet?"

"No," she said softly.

"Would you have ever done it if we weren't in this situation?"

"I…I don't know."

Shaking my head at her, I said, "I will not leave Ethan, I will not leave my school, I will not leave grandpa! I can take care of myself; I don't need someone who knows nothing about me to tell me what to do. Besides, Ethan needs me; what the fuck is he going to do without me? He already has to lose you, but lose me, too? Be stuck with his parents in that house…no, that prison! No, I'm not leaving, I'm not!"

I had to get out of there! My mind was swimming with thoughts and unanswered questions, I left the house, and immediately pulled out my phone to call Ethan.

"Meet me at the park."

"Are you ok?" Ethan asked.

"Yes, just meet me, ok?"

"Yeah, sure; I'm leaving right now," Ethan said.

"See you in about ten minutes."

"Ok."

The park I was talking about was within walking distance, so I started walking, not really thinking about anything around me, and I was soon there. Seeing that Ethan wasn't there yet, I found a bench and sat down to wait. I didn't have to wait long; Ethan practically ran up to me.

"What's wrong? Is your mom ok?"

"She's fine, Eth, I just…," I ran my hand over my face, wondering how I was going to tell him that I might have to leave him. I'd do anything I could to stay, but what if I have to leave?

"Mom found my dad. He lives in Washington and she wants me to go live with him." His jaw dropped, and remained open, as I told him what my mom told me; about her lying; how he doesn't know I exist. After I finished, we sat there silently for a long time, before he said, "What's going to happen with us? If you leave, does that mean we have to break up? Why can't you stay here? I mean, you are sixteen; maybe you can do that emancipation thing."

He wasn't saying anything that I wasn't thinking about myself, but hearing him talk about breaking up, voicing it, hurt more than I could possibly imagine.

"No matter what, we are not breaking up. I don't know what's going to happen, but I know that I want to be with you; I love you. We'll figure it out. In two years we will be going to college, so we will just have to make sure we still go to the same college. Maybe we can visit each other. Two years isn't that long." Yeah, right; two years is a long time . . . too long. I don't know if I was trying to convince just him, or me, too.

Reaching over, I stroked his cheek, looking into the watery eyes. "I promise; no matter what, we will be together. Even if we have to be apart for awhile, we will be together again. Glancing around, and seeing no one, I kissed him, trying to put all of what I feel for him in that kiss.

"We'll make it."

"Yeah, we will," he agreed, trying to smile, but not quite making it.

"You staying the night?"

"Of course; when am I not staying the night?"

"Come on, let's go."

Little did I know, as I was talking to Ethan, my mom was talking to my dad.

*Dana (mom)*

I think telling Kyle about his dad, about what I did, was worse than finding out I'm dying. No, maybe not, but it's definitely just as bad. How do I feel about dying? Well, I can't really describe it. I'm scared; scared of the unknown, but I'm also worried about Kyle. I'm worried that he won't handle it well. I'm sad mostly; sad that I won't be able to see my son become a man; won't see him grow as a human being. I'm also angry, angry with myself for not pushing the doctors, angry with the doctors for not doing more. I guess I'm a mess right now, but I try hard not to show it in front of Kyle. I think I've been successful. I love him with everything I am, and I don't want him to see me fall apart; I do that when I'm alone.

I have to call James - no time like the present; my hand is shaking so much - from the tumor or from nerves; I can't be sure. I pick up the phone and dial the number on the piece of paper I have.

My heart is beating fast; I hear the phone ring: one ring, two rings. Maybe he won't answer.

"Hello?" the voice answers; it's not James.

"Is there a James there?" I asked hesitantly.

"Yes, can I ask who this is?"

"D-Dana," I stuttered. 'Shit, get a hold of yourself, Dana!' I chastised myself.

"Umm, ok, I'll go get him," the man said.

"Hello? Dana?"

"Hello, Jamie."

"Oh my God! Dana, is that really you? How have you been? No, wait, what's wrong? Are you ok? Is your dad ok?"

I almost laughed at his rapid fire questions. It's how he has always been. Knowing why I was calling him sobered me quickly.

"Yes, it's really me. Dad is fine. He is in a nursing home now, but they treat him well, and he actually likes it."

"That's good, Dana; I'm glad he's ok. I'm glad he's happy; he was always good to me. Your mom, too; I heard she passed a few years ago. I'm sorry, Dana; she was a good woman."

"Thanks, Jamie."

"It's been a long time, Dana; what happened? One day you said you needed a little time, and then you never called back. Then I heard you moved, and, well I didn't know what to think. I kept waiting for you to call, and you never did."

"I'm sorry, Jamie. I'm so sorry; you don't know how sorry I am."

"It's ok, Dana. I just…it doesn't matter. I'm just glad you are calling me now."

"Actually, I have something important to tell you. I really don't want to tell you this over the phone, but what else can I do?"

"Why don't you come up here? I can show you around Seattle; you said you have always wanted to see it."

"I can't, James; I can't travel."

"What? Why not?"

"I have cancer…"

"What?" he breathed out in shock.

"A brain tumor; it's terminal."

"Oh no! Oh, Dana, I'm sorry."

"No, don't be sorry. You know, you are making this very hard to tell you what I need to tell you. You'll hate me, and, frankly, I won't blame you for hating me; I hate myself because of it."

"I could never hate you."

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath, and jumped in.

"I made a mistake, a big mistake; something I have always regretted. I lied to you. I thought I was giving you what you wanted. I thought I was giving you a chance to be happy, but I soon realized my mistake. Instead of fixing the mistake by telling you the truth, I was a coward, and I kept lying. I didn't lose the baby, Jamie; I had him. His name is Kyle, and he is such a good boy. I'm so sorry; I know sorry doesn't begin to make up for it, but I am."

He was silent for so long that I had to see if he hung up.

"But…why? Why would you do something so…so cruel? We had a plan; I was going to stay with you, help you. Why?"

"One time, when I was in the hospital, I woke up to hearing you on the phone. What you were saying…well I knew you would never really be happy if you stayed. I could never give you what you wanted. I thought that by lying, you wouldn't be obligated to stay."

"So why now? Because you are dying, huh? Is that it? You decide 'oh I'll call Jamie, because I want to clear my conscience before I die."

I couldn't help but gasp at that; it hurt, and I deserved it. I heard him take a deep breath, and then he said, "I'm sorry, Dana; that was low."

"No, I deserved it. I will never forgive myself for denying you the chance to be a father, and Kyle the chance to have a father. I should have just talked to you about what I heard, but I was shocked, and I reacted."

"Yeah, I guess that would be shocking. I'm sorry I never told you. I didn't know how, especially with you being pregnant. I guess we are both guilty for our lack of communication."

"Listen, I know I don't deserve to ask you for a favor, but the reason I called is that…well, to be honest, Kyle has nowhere to go when I'm gone, and I was hoping he could live with you. You would get a chance to be the father I stopped you from being, and Kyle would get to know his father."

"Can I meet him now? I mean, can I come there and meet him?"

"Yes, of course you can. When?"

"Friday?"

"Yeah, that would be great, though I have to warn you, he isn't too thrilled with the possibility of living with you. I think it's more about having to move than actually living with you."

"I can understand that."

"Jamie…do you think you can ever forgive me?"

"I-I don't know Dana. I really don't."

"Ok, I guess that's fair."

"I'll call this number to let you know what time I'll be there; ok?"

"Ok. Do you need me to pick you up at the airport?"

"No, I'll rent a car."

"In that case, you will need the address." I gave him the address, and we said our goodbyes.

Now I have to tell Kyle that his dad is coming. That should go over well.

*Kyle*

When we got home, my mom was sitting in her chair watching TV, and when I started to drag Ethan up the stairs to my room, she stopped me.

"Kyle, come here for a second."

"Yeah, mom?"

"I called your dad."

My dad . . . those words sound so weird to me. I want to know what he said, but at the same time, I don't. I don't want to like him; I don't want to move.

"He is going to be here Friday."

"What? You mean he's coming here? To the house?"

"Yes, he wants to meet you."

"What if I don't want to meet him?"

She glared at me. That look said 'don't push it' and I couldn't make myself, no matter how much I wanted to. I keep thinking that this may be the last day, and I don't want to fight with her, so I kept my mouth shut.

"You will meet him. He is flying all the way from Seattle to meet you, and you damn well better put on a smile and be nice."

"Yes, ma'am," I said softly. I reached out to Ethan, and, taking his hand, pulled him up the stairs.

It was too early to sleep, but all I wanted to do was lie in my bed with Ethan's arms wrapped around me. I didn't ask, but he somehow knew what I needed, because he laid on the bed and motioned for me to lie next to him.

"I don't want to leave you."

"I don't want you to leave either, but, and don't get mad when I say this, but maybe it would be a good thing to get to know your dad. You would only have to live with him for two years, and then we start college. I would miss you like crazy, but it might be a good thing to have him in your life. I would give anything to have a dad that gives a shit."

"See, that's another reason I don't want to leave; you would be stuck at home all the time."

"Well, it's not so bad, really. It's just that they ignore me, and when they do pay attention, it's to tell me to read my bible, or to say my prayers, and they always ask me if I sinned today. But, besides that, they just ignore me. Being ignored isn't so bad, especially when I know that it's only for two more years."

"I still don't want you to have to deal with them. You are just too damn optimistic."

"Yeah, maybe I am, but I know it will be ok. We will always be together, I know it."

* * *

"Mom, sit down. I told you I would help make the cookies."

"No, I want to do this. James used to love my cookies, but thanks, honey."

I just sat there watching her rushing around. Today is a good day; she isn't shaking, and she hasn't been forgetting what she wants to say, and I haven't seen her drop anything. It makes me happy to see her looking like herself, and not the woman who has a brain tumor. I can't help but wonder how many 'good days' I'll see.

My, umm, well, my dad . . . shit, just the thought is weird, is coming today, and she is going crazy trying to fix all of his favorites. My mom asked me to invite Ethan, but I told her I didn't want to, because I don't know what my dad would think about me being gay. She laughed, and said, "I don't think he would care." But when she saw I wasn't budging, changed the subject.

I can't sit still, I'm so nervous. What if he hates me? What if he has a family? What if he's single, and doesn't want some sixteen year old kid screwing up his chance to find someone? What would he do if he finds out I'm gay?

A knocking at the door interrupted my thoughts.

Oh shit! This is it.

My mom went to answer the door, while I stayed in the kitchen.

"Hello, Jamie."