*James*
I dragged myself out of my car, grabbed my bag from my trunk, and then dragged myself up the steps and through the door. Dead on my feet, all I could think about was my bed, as I dropped my bag right inside the door.
“How was the flight?”
I jumped at the unexpected voice. “Fuck, Robert, you scared the shit out of me!”
He laughed, “Sorry.”
“What are you doing up? You have to be at the restaurant at 6:30.”
“I wanted to make sure you got home ok. I don’t know why you insisted on leaving your car at the airport; I could’ve picked you up.”
“Because it was a late flight, and someone is supposed to be asleep.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know, but I missed you.”
I walked over to the couch where he was sitting and joined him. I grabbed him and kissed him until we both had to pull away to catch our breath.
“So, how was it?”
I had talked to him every day while I was gone, but I didn’t get into detail about everything. “I don’t know; I mean, meeting the son you thought was dead, is hard. I guess it’s hard to wrap my head around what I’m feeling. Dana was my best friend, and now I’m torn. What she did cost me my best friend and my son, and, now, I want to be angry, but I also want my best friend back, and I’m not going to get that chance, because she’s dying. Maybe if we felt we could talk back then, this wouldn’t have happened, and I would’ve had my best friend and son all these years; but I know that I can’t do anything about the past. It’s just frustrating, because my emotions are a jumbled, fucked up mess. I’m so used to having it all together; now I don’t.
“Hey, it’s normal, you know? Having all these mixed emotions, it’s because you care.”
“Yeah.”
“Have you given anymore thought to what I said to you the last time we talked?”
“Yeah, but I’d really like to get some sleep; we’ll talk about it later.”
Sighing, he got up, and grabbed my hand to pull me up as well.
“You know, I know you’re scared, and I don’t want to add to all the shit you are going through right now, but very soon that boy is going to walk through that door, and he’ll be devastated and angry, and one more thing won’t matter. I’ve spent six years in this house, in that bedroom, and I won’t put on an act and lie to make him feel more comfortable. Maybe that makes me an asshole, but I don’t care. I’ll care about Kyle as if he were my own, but don’t think for one minute that I would be ok with being the ‘roommate.’”
“You really want to get into this now? Ok, well, I’ll tell you what I’m thinking; he doesn’t know me, he doesn’t want to move in with me, he’s losing everything he loves and cares about, and I don’t want to add fuel to that fire. I want to get to know him first; I want him to become comfortable with me before he knows. I don’t want him to hate me before he gets a chance to know me. I know we’ve talked about this a lot on the phone; I know I have to tell him, but I don’t want to right now, and I think it would be a good idea if you would move into the apartment above the restaurant. Nobody is renting it right now, so it shouldn’t be a problem, and it’s just for a few months; just until he gets settled.”
He looked at me with this expression that was part shock and disbelief, but also sadness and it tore at my gut. God, I hate doing this! I’m a fucking coward. He tried to speak, but nothing came out, and then he stormed off, heading, not toward our bedroom, but one of the guest bedrooms, and slamming the door behind him. This was bad, very bad!
~~~~~
Three weeks passed, and we both went through our routine: get up, have breakfast, go to work, come home, dinner, TV, bed. I finally got him to agree to sleep in our bedroom after two weeks, but he stayed on his side, and as far away from me as he could get. I knew I was in the wrong; I realized I’m a fucking chicken, and I just needed to be honest. I know that you shouldn’t start a relationship of any kind with lies, and that’s essentially what I wanted to do with Kyle, but I’m scared, ok? Scared! I admit it. I’m scared, because I’ve missed sixteen years of his life, and I don’t want to fuck up my chance at a relationship with him now. He seems like a good kid, but what if he hates gays? I mean, look at where he has been raised; not exactly the most gay-friendly of states. Hell, being gay was what caused Dana to lie to me about Kyle to begin with. She overheard me talking to a guy, and did what she did. Being gay cost me watching my son grow up; I don’t want it to make me lose a chance at having him in my life now.
I was awakened by my phone ringing. Instantly, my heart started beating fast, and my hand shook as I reached for my phone. Oh God, oh God, oh God. I looked at the clock as I answered . . . 2:47 AM.
“Hello?”
“James?”
“Yeah.”
“James, its Jack. Listen, I know that we were supposed to call you when it seemed like it was almost time. I know you wanted to speak to her some more, but, James, she, uh…well, she fell into a coma tonight. They don’t expect her to wake up again. I’m sorry James, really sorry; I know you wanted to…shit.” I heard him start to cry, and my heart ached.
“Jack, I’ll be there as soon as I can, ok?”
“Yeah, see you soon.”
For the first time in over three weeks, Robert reached out, pulling me against his chest.
“She fell into a coma tonight; she won’t be waking up. I didn’t get to say goodbye. Oh fuck; I hope Kyle got the chance.”
“You want me to go book you a flight?”
“Yeah, that would be nice.”
“Ok, I’ll try to get one as early as possible. Why don’t you pack?”
“Robert?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks.”
He just nodded, as he left the room.
I got out of bed and grabbed my suitcase, and started packing, yet again. Not knowing how long I would be there, I just grabbed a week’s worth of clothes. I went back to my closet, and, taking a deep breath, I grabbed my garment bag and a suit. I carefully put the suit into the bag, and then sat down on the bed.
“Are you ok?” Robert asked, as he came into the room and sat beside me.
“I don’t know. I mean I’m sad for me and for Dana; for the time we lost, but mostly I’m sad that Kyle has to lose his mom. I want him in my life, but I wish it didn’t come at this cost. I don’t know how to comfort him. I don’t know anything about him; it’s all uncharted territory; and, at a time when he needs all the support he can get.
“Jamie, you are the most caring person I’ve ever known; just be there for him, listen to him. It will work out, you’ll see. I didn’t want to bring this up now, but seeing as you are, bringing him back with you, I want you to know that, while I don’t agree with you about lying to him, especially with all he is already going through, I will move into the apartment for one month; only one month. After that, I would hope that you are ready to let him know, because if not, things are going to get even more complicated. I’m agreeing to this, because I love you, but I want you to know that I do think it’s not the best way to go about this. Think about it . . . he doesn’t know you, and he certainly doesn’t trust you, so what will he think when he realizes you lied to him? The way I see it, any trust, any sense of comfort he has after that month, will be for nothing; all that building of trust will crumble, and you’ll have to start all over again, except, this time, it won’t be as easy.”
“You’re right; I know you are, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling how I do. I just don’t want to lose him before I really have a chance to know him.”
“Well, you have a month. Anyway, I managed to get you a ticket for a flight leaving at 5:35 am, so you should probably leave soon.”
“I love you; you know that, right?”
“Yeah, I know; I love you, too. Have a safe flight; call me when you get there.”
“I will.”
“I’ll walk you out,” he said, grabbing my luggage and garment bag.
At the car, he gave me a kiss and a long hug before he said, “Just be there for him.”
“I hope I can help him get through this; I can’t imagine going through this at his age.”
“Me either. Remember, call when you land.”
“I will, mom.”
He laughed, “I mean it, son; call.”
I laughed at that, and got in the car.
I managed to get through security fairly quickly, and had to wait a while before it was time to board. When they announced that they were now boarding, I was more than ready.
All my thoughts were about Dana and Kyle. How was I going to get him through this? Thinking about it, I realized that I’m the bad guy to him. While I’m not responsible for what is happening to Dana, I am the one taking him away from his grandpa, and away from the only place he knows; away from his friends, his school, his entire life as he knows it, and that all happens just a few days after he loses his mom. I just hope I have the strength to help him through all this.
*Kyle*
After Jamie left, my mom’s health seemed to deteriorate quickly. Within four days after he left, I called my grandpa, asking him if he could stay here with me. He decided that he was going to move out of the place where he was living. He said that he really didn’t need it anymore, and that it was grief that put him there. He said, “What kind of father am I if I don’t spend as much time with my daughter as possible.” He was only there two days before he realized that it was time for hospice to help us, so we called, and they sent a nice nurse named Terry.
It was so sudden. It was like she had been keeping it together to make sure I was taken care of, and after she had set it up so that I would be ok, she just started giving up. I think she was just tired. I didn’t want her to go, but I didn’t want her to be in pain either. It had now been a little more than two weeks since Terry started helping. She put my mom on some heavier pain killers, so she slept most of the time. Yesterday, she seemed more alert than she had for a while, and we had a talk. She talked about my life in Seattle, about Ethan (who had been to visit every day), about Jamie, and how she saw him as a person. I know what I overheard, though, and I’m still not sure that she was right. She told me that she had asked my grandpa to sell the house, and put the money in a trust for me. I didn’t like that idea, because I wanted to be able to come back here when I was old enough. This is my house, the only house I’ve ever lived in, but she seemed insistent, and I didn’t want to argue. She told me how much she loves me; how proud she is of me, and told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her. I told her that I love her, and that she is the best mom I could have ever had, and that I’m lucky she is my mom. We spent hours talking, before she fell asleep. Today, she didn’t wake up, until a few hours ago, and when she did, she looked over at where I was sitting, where I had been sitting most of the time I wasn’t in school, and she smiled faintly; she said she loved me, and then she fell asleep again. When Terry came in to check on her, she looked over at mom, then checked more closely, and told me that she was in a coma. She went to wake grandpa, to tell him. I asked her if she would wake up, and she said ‘no.’ I broke down then. I had kept it together for the last three weeks, and I couldn’t do it anymore. Grandpa grabbed me and hugged me, and we cried together.
When we calmed down, I sat back down in the chair by her bed.
“Son, why don’t you get some sleep? It’s one in the morning. I know it’s a Saturday, but you have got to get some sleep; you haven’t gotten very much recently.”
I’m fine, grandpa; I can rest here; I don’t want to leave her. What if I’m asleep and she…you know.”
“Well, at least go get a pillow and blanket, or something. I have to call Jamie.”
I nodded, and did as he said. I curled up in the chair, trying to make myself as comfortable as possible and dozed lightly.
The next thing I knew, I was being shaken gently.
“Kyle, Jamie will be here soon.”
“So.”
“Son, I know you don’t like the idea of going to live with him, but he really is a nice man. He’s like the son I never had. Why don’t you get some breakfast from the diner down the street? I think Jamie will want some time alone with your mom, don’t you?”
“I guess. What do you want me to get?”
“How about pancakes for all of us.”
“Ok, let me get a shower first, and then I’ll go.”
I took a shower, and then I went to get the food. When I got back, James was just getting out of his rental car.
“Hi, Kyle, how are you doing?”
How am I doing? Is this guy serious? My mom is going to die soon, and he asks how I’m doing? Well, ‘shitty’ about sums it up. Ok, yeah, I realize he is just trying to be nice, or start a conversation, or something, but I don’t want to be asked something like that. Isn’t that a stupid question anyway? I mean, it’s obvious how I’m doing, right? I guess I should give him a break; he’s trying, right? But I’m just not feeling very giving right now, and don’t think I’ve forgotten about what I overheard; I haven’t.
“Hmmm, shitty, that’s how I’m doing; you?”
“Shitty sounds about right, actually,” he said, with a small smile.
That made me smile back, damn it!
“I’ve got breakfast; we can eat, and then you can go see her.”
He sighed, “Ok.”
He pulled out his luggage and a garment bag. When I saw that garment bag, it really hit me! She really was going to die soon, and that bag was holding the suit for her funeral. I was going to break down again; I could feel it, but I held it in check until I could get the food into the kitchen. My grandpa was sitting there, having coffee, and he looked at me, getting a concerned look when he saw my face.
“I’m going to go wash up for breakfast.” He nodded, with a sympathetic look, and I hurried out of the room, tears falling down my face, as I hurried up the stairs to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and really let go, sinking to the floor.
I don’t know how long I was there, but, after a while, I heard a knock on the door. “May I come in?” It was Jamie. I had managed to calm down, and had just been kind of staring off in space.
“Yes,” I replied.
I was still sitting in the floor. When he walked in, he got down in the floor with me.
“Your food is ready when you are. It can be warmed up.”
“Sorry; I just, I saw your garment bag, and it hit me what you are here for.”
“Kyle, I’m here for you. Yes, I’m here for Dana, as well, but I’m here to support you, to show I care, and to take you back with me so that we can get to know each other. I am so glad that you are alive, and I’m thankful that I get this chance to get to know you, and I only wish that it wasn’t due to the situation we are in, but I really do want to be a part of your life. I am so deeply sorry it has to be like this, though. Dana is the best woman I’ve ever known, besides my own mother of course.”
“But the last time you were here, I was going to go see if you wanted to watch a movie with me, and I overheard you. You said you didn’t want me, and that you knew you had to,” I admitted.
“What are you talk…oh, I see; is that why you started acting all cold toward me? Well, I’m sorry, Kyle, but I’m afraid you misunderstood. I do want you, believe me. I was talking to someone about something, and, yes, it involves you, but it has nothing to do with wanting you or not, and I really do want you to be a part of my life. We’ve been denied sixteen years, and now we have to make up for it. So, how about some breakfast?”
I nodded. I still wasn’t sure I believed him, but I was willing to try getting to know him.
Over the next few days, we took turns staying with my mom. All there was to do was wait for the inevitable.
On Saturday, October 1, 2011, at 2:57 pm, my mom passed away, surrounded by those who loved her.
~~~~~
If I have to hear one more person say they are sorry for my loss, I’m going to scream! Oh, let’s not forget the “are you ok?” Of course not, people! I had had enough. Four hours in a suit, hearing condolences and prayers, my mom in a coffin, looking nothing like she looked in life, and flowers everywhere; and now I’m back at my house, and people are eating. I don’t understand that. How can people eat at a time like this? I don’t think I could eat anything without it coming back up. All I want to do is take off my suit and crawl into bed, pulling the blanket over my head, and sleep. At least, then, I wouldn’t have to deal with the stabbing pain of losing my mom, and that’s when I actually feel anything.
Ethan managed to stay strong for me, and he didn’t even hold my hand, though I knew he wanted to. He did hug me a lot, though. The funeral was in a word . . . beautiful. I know that may seem like a weird word for a funeral, but it was actually peaceful. Everything had been picked by my mom; everything from the coffin, to the music, and the music made me think of her. One song even made me smile; it had always been her favorite, and when I was little, she would dance with me around the living room to that song.
When it was finally over, and everybody had left, except for Ethan, Jamie, and grandpa, I headed up the stairs to my room, and got out of my suit, and then into my bed and just laid there. My mom was really gone, and I had to leave soon. I fucking hate this!
I heard a knock on the door.
“Kyle?”
“Yeah.”
“Can I come in?”
“When have you ever asked that? Of course you can,” I said to Ethan
“Well, I didn’t know if you wanted to be alone or not.”
“I always want you with me,” I said
“I told your grandpa that we were going to take a nap, and he said, ‘ok.’”
“A nap sounds nice.”
“I mean a real nap, Kyle.”
“I know what you meant; I do want a nap. You have to get out of that suit, though.”
He got out of his suit and into some of the clothes he keeps here. We didn’t talk; he just climbed into bed with me, and pulled me to him, so that my head was on his chest, and we fell asleep almost immediately.
The next few days passed by quickly. Grandpa decided that he would stay in the house for a few months, until he found a place to live and could sell the house. He told me to pack the things I wanted to keep, and he would ship them to me.
Before I knew it, I was at the airport, two suitcases in hand. Grandpa and Ethan came with us to say goodbye. It was so hard to leave Ethan, but we talked about it, and we decided that we would just apply to a bunch of universities, and pick one we could both go to. Two years isn’t so bad really, but it seems like it is. I just hoped he could deal with staying at his house a lot more. I’ll also miss grandpa; I wish he could move with me, but he loves living here.
“Jamie, why don’t you go ahead, and I’ll catch up, ok?”
“Sure.”
When he was gone, I grabbed Ethan in a long hug, and kissed him. Then I turned to grandpa, and did the same (though the kiss was on the cheek). I whispered to my grandpa to take care of Ethan, and watch out for him. He nodded.
“I love you so much,” I said to Ethan, as I hugged and kissed him one last time. “A little less than two years, Ethan; we can do it.” He nodded, with tears in his eyes. “I love you, too.”
“Don’t start; you’ll make me cry; no tears. We’ll be together again, and we’ll visit each other, too.”
I told grandpa I loved him, and turned away while I had enough strength to leave. I didn’t want to go, but I suppose we have to do things we don’t want to do, sometimes. I guess I just realized that, sometimes, we don’t have a choice, and I could either make the best of it, or I could make Jamie miserable, and, in doing so, make my life miserable too.
I caught up with Jamie, and we boarded the airplane; next stop, Seattle, Washington.
