Life as I Know it chapter 4

“Hi, Dana, is he here?”

“Yes, he’s in the kitchen. Follow me.”

My heart started beating faster than it already was; so hard I felt like it would beat out of my chest! I watched the door as it swung open, and I got my first look at my father. I looked up, and up and up; this guy was tall! Taller than Ethan’s 6’2’’, that’s for sure. He looked to be at least 6’6”, if not more, and built, too; but then I got to his face, and I saw my face . . .  same structure, same brown hair, and his eyes were like mine, green. His eyes betrayed how happy he was to meet me. I stood up, feeling small and insignificant next to him. I held out my hand to shake his, and he took my hand and pulled me into a hug. At first, I felt uncomfortable, but it soon felt good. I had had plenty of hugs throughout my life from my grandparents and my mom, but this felt so good. I didn’t want it to; I wanted to be angry. I didn’t want to move to Seattle, and feeling so good about a hug wasn’t helping.

He pulled away, and I saw tears in his eyes; this big strong man was getting all tearful over me! Oh damn! I’m in trouble; how can I hate the guy now?

“Kyle, right?”

“Yes.”

“You can call me James or Jamie; I doubt you’re ready for anything else right now.”

I shook my head. “Jamie it is then; please sit.”

My mom came on in and said, “Wow, Jamie, you haven’t changed a bit. Would you like something to drink, while I put the finishing touches on dinner?”

“Water would be great, thanks.”

“I’ll get it, mom,” I said, already on my way to the refrigerator.”

I got us both some water, and sat back down at the table. I couldn’t help but stare. I’ve had a wonderful life, and I’ve never really felt the absence of a dad, but in the back of my mind I would sometimes wonder what he looked like; did he look like me? I always wondered what he was doing with his life and, not knowing that he didn’t know I existed, I would wonder if he would think of me; if he wondered what I was doing at a certain moment. Now, he was right here . . . a couple of feet away, and all I could do was stare at him. Oh, before you think I’m being weird or something, I should mention that he was staring at me, too; though he had this dreamy, happy, teary look. I was in a little state of shock, I guess. Finally, he turned his attention to my mom, and I saw his expression change. I think he had forgotten the reason he was here, in the first place. She turned toward us, and I saw his expression change, and he put on a fake smile for her benefit.

“Something smells wonderful, Dana.”

“It’s pot roast, your favorite.”

“The one your mom used to make?” he asked excitedly. I could understand the excitement, because that pot roast is very good.

“Of course,” my mom replied.

Soon enough, we were helping ourselves to the pot roast and stuffing our faces; well, I was, and so was Jamie; my mom picked at it. She had been losing her appetite over the past week or so, and this didn’t go unnoticed by Jamie. I saw him watching her, a look of concern when she wasn’t looking at him. Dinner was silent, a comfortable silence, but silence nonetheless. What do you say to your dad, a guy who you have just met after 16 years? What does a man say to the son he thought he lost? What does the mother say to the man she lied to? It was like . . . if we didn’t say anything, the issues didn’t exist, and we could be comfortable with each other. Eventually, it was time for dessert, and my mom told me to get the milk while she got the cookies. She told Jamie to sit, because he was the guest and, although you could see he wanted to argue, he listened.

I was just getting the milk, when I heard a crash, and I turned and saw my mom standing there, looking in disbelief at all the cookies on the floor. It happened in a split second; Jamie and I both ran to her.

“I-I’m ok; I guess my hands just slipped, and…oh Jamie! I’m sorry; I wanted it to be perfect; I made your favorite cookies, and now they are all over the floor.” She looked like she wanted to cry.

“Hey, Dana don’t worry about it; it’s ok; why don’t we help clean this up, and then Kyle and I can go get some ice cream. You can go lie down for a bit, and I’ll bring you back your favorite . . . mint chocolate chip with hot fudge and whipped cream, right?” He said this with kindness in his eyes, and she responded with a small smile. “Yes, how did you remember?”

“Hmm, maybe because we went for ice cream at least twice a week for as long as I can remember; you always got the same thing.” He smiled at her, gave her a hug, and said, “Besides, this gives me a chance to get to know Kyle. Now go lie down, and we’ll pick up the chocolate chip and dirt cookies.”

She laughed at that, and gave me a hug before she went upstairs to her room. I let out a sigh, and started helping clean up. The more time passes, the worse she gets, and I have a front row seat; it’s hard to watch, and I could only imagine how hard it is on her.

Jamie squeezed my shoulder when we finished, in a way that made me think he knew what I was thinking, and said, “How about that ice cream?”

“Ok, there’s this place on 5^th and Langley that makes the best ice cream; Ethan and I go there all the time.”

“Who’s Ethan?” Oh shit! I hadn’t meant to mention Ethan.

“My best friend.”

“Ok, lead the way; you drive, right?”

“Yes.”

“Well, why don’t you drive us?”

“Ok.”

We got to the ice cream place and ordered; it turned out we like the same kind, except he likes cherries, and I don’t. We sat down, and both started eating our ice cream in silence.

“So…,” Jamie said, breaking the silence.

“So…,” I replied.

“So, tell me about yourself. What kinds of things do you like to do?”

“Umm, well, I like movies, books, hanging out with my friends, music. I don’t do any sports, but some of my friends do. I don’t know; this isn’t easy; I don’t know what to say.”

“Yeah, I’m kind of feeling like that, too, but I’m sure we’ll get to know each other eventually.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry,” Jamie said. “This isn’t easy; I thought you were dead. It’s hard to wrap my head around everything. I’m sure it’s not easy for you, either, but it will get better.” He stopped suddenly. “I wish this wasn’t happening to you, Kyle, not because I don’t want to be a part of your life, but because nobody should have to lose their mom at your age. I know it won’t be ‘better’ in that way; that’s not what I mean; I just mean that this not knowing what to say will get better; we’ll get to know each other and, hopefully, we can start to try to make up for all the years we’ve lost.”

“Yeah, maybe. Listen, I hate to bring this up, but, well you seem like a nice guy; it’s just I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to change schools, or lose my friends; I don’t want to move across the country to some place I’ve never been, and live with someone I don’t know. I also don’t want to leave my grandpa here alone, and I don’t want to give up the person I have in my life who is very special to me. I would like to get to know you, but I was thinking that maybe I could get emancipated or something. You could always visit; I could, too, but I don’t want to live with you. I really do want to get to know you, though.”

He sat there for a while, looking at me, and finally said, “I get it, I really do, and I can’t begin to imagine how you must feel about all this, but you are sixteen, and while you may think you are grown up enough, you aren’t, and you have someone willing to help you through the hard times ahead. For those who don’t, or for those who have people who don’t care about them, emancipation is an option; but I care about you, and I haven’t been around for the last sixteen years; give me the next two, please. At least give me a chance. I’ll bring you back here for a visit sometimes. You’ll be in college in two years, and then you can decide if you want to continue to be a part of my life; I hope you will. Your mom wants this; I want this. Just think about it.”

I didn’t want to think about it. I mean, what is so bad about wanting to stay here? I can take care of myself. I can get a job, and the house is already owned by my mom, so it goes to me, right? Ugh! I don’t even want to think about this; I don’t want her to die; I don’t want to move away from Ethan, or my grandpa, and I don’t want to lose my friends. If that makes me a selfish asshole, then that’s what I am. You can’t say I’m selfish when it comes to Ethan, though. Those vultures he calls parents will drain the life out of him. Maybe he can come with me if I have to go. What would Jamie think of having a gay son? I don’t think my brain will ever shut down.

We finished our ice cream in silence, and then Jamie ordered my mom’s ice cream. When we got home, Jamie told me that they were going to talk for a while. I called Ethan and told him what had gone on that day. We must have talked for at least an hour, before his mom told him it was time for him to get off the phone and go to bed. I had just hung up with him, when Jamie came into the living room, with red eyes, and sat down next to me.

“Is she ok?” I asked.

“Yeah, she’s fine; she enjoyed the ice cream, and now she’s just lying in her bed watching TV. What are you watching?”

“I’m not watching anything; I was talking to a friend; I just got off the phone right before you came down.”

“Oh, ok. So, umm, what do you normally do now?”

“Different things . . . get on the internet, watch TV, listen to music, do homework, if I have any, hang out with my friend Ethan; just different things, but to be honest, it’s been a long day, and I’m tired; I think I’m going to go to bed.”

“Oh, ok, no problem; I guess I better do that, too.”

I got up and got to the foot of the stairs before I heard my name.

“Kyle, I know this isn’t the most comfortable of situations, and I know it might feel awkward now, but I’m glad we are getting to know eat other.”

“Me, too.” I said, before climbing the stairs. I stripped down and got into bed, but despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. James is a nice guy; I’ll give him that, and he does seem to want to get to know me, but I still stand by what I said . . . I don’t want to leave. It’s not so much the moving that I hate; it’s the leaving my grandpa and Ethan behind that I don’t like. I know that no matter what I say, I’ll have to move. I just wish I could take them with me.

The next morning, as I made my way down the stairs to the kitchen, I heard laughing. I couldn’t help but smile; how long had it been since I heard her laugh? Too long. I felt myself grow to like him just a little bit more at the thought that he was making her laugh.

“You just had to wear those baggy jeans because everybody was wearing them, and I remember you were trying to act all cool strutting around, and you went to get your food, and were walking to our table, and down those jeans went! Right there in the middle of the cafeteria! I about died laughing, and you looked so mortified; it only made me laugh harder.” She laughed hard at this, and I made my appearance known by laughing with her.

“Really? Who would ever think that was a good look?”

“Why you little…” He went to grab for me, and I ran.

“Boys, come on, breakfast will get cold. Kyle, I made your favorite . . . chocolate chip pancakes.”

“Yes!” I said, as I quickly made my way to the table. We had a nice breakfast, telling more embarrassing stories, some involving me, though I protested, and then my mom said she was going to lie down. James said he had something he had to do, and left to go to the guest room, and I was left sitting there, wondering what to do. I could go to Ethan’s, but his parents don’t like me, and they would be breathing down our necks the whole time, and I can’t invite Ethan here; we might slip and out ourselves to James. We never have to hide here, and it might be too hard to hide it now. I just don’t want to take the chance of not having a place to live. I don’t know him well enough to know if he would be okay with me being gay. Eventually, I decided to go see if James would want to see a movie, so I went up the stairs, trying to be quiet, in case my mom was sleeping, and went up to the guest room door.

“I know, I know I just…”

I stopped myself from knocking, because I didn’t want to interrupt him, and turned to head back downstairs, but what he said next stopped me in my tracks.

“I don’t want him…. Yes, I know I have to…”

I couldn’t listen to anymore; I just went to my room after that. He didn’t want me? Well, that’s fucking great! Great show he put on! He’s a good actor, making it seem like he was glad to be getting to know me, and this morning? It was great; I hadn’t laughed so much in a while, at least not since my mom’s diagnosis. Why would I move in with a guy who felt like he was obligated to have me? Two years of hell is what it would be. At least if I was here, I would have Ethan and grandpa.

*knock knock*

“Yes?”

“Hey, Kyle, I have to go somewhere; will you be okay here?”

“Yeah, I’m not five years old; I’ll be fine,” I said a little rudely, but I was pissed.

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Okay, I’ll, uh, be back in a couple of hours.”

“Okay.”

*James*

If I could describe what it’s like to learn that your child didn’t die, and is actually alive and well, shock is what you feel; followed by anger, and then a deep feeling of sadness to the core of your being. I also feel betrayed by the person I thought of as my best friend, but the more time I take to think about it, the more I feel like I understand it. Does it make it right? No, but although it wasn’t the right thing to do, at the time it felt right for her, and I know that she thought she was doing the right thing for me. Kyle seems like a good kid; he is your typical teenager, selfish, but he also thinks that he is doing the right thing when he says he doesn’t want to leave. I’m hoping I can talk his Grandpa into moving to Seattle. Dana and I talked about it last night, when I took her the ice cream, and she told me what happened, and how she thinks that the fall, her father took, scared him more than actually hurt him. She said she didn’t feel it indicated that he couldn’t care for himself, and that he hadn’t had a fall since. She said that she thought he was just lonely after her mom’s death, and that when he fell, he had to face the fact that he wasn’t so young anymore, and that his wife had died, and he was all alone in a big house. I think that if I could get him to move to Seattle, that Kyle would adjust better, so I’m going to go talk to him.

When I got there, I quickly found his room (Dana had told me the number) and knocked on the door.

“Come in,” Jack said.

I stepped inside and saw Jack sitting in a chair with a book. He looked up then, and grinned.

“Jamie? Well, I’ll be damned, boy! it’s good to see you! Come over here and give me a hug.”

I couldn’t help but grin back, and went to give him his hug. My dad was nice to me; he treated me well (when I saw him). See, my dad often had to travel for business, and my mom got bored easily, so she had a job that took much of her time, as well, and Jack and Ellen (Dana’s mom) were there to help fill the gap my parents left. Jack was the dad I wished my dad could have been as I was growing up. Jack took me to baseball games, to the park, out for ice cream, and various other places. He treated me like a son, and I can’t help but feel a little betrayed by him for not telling me the truth, but I guess, like Dana, he thought he was doing something good; he loved me too much for that not to be his reason.

“Sit down, Jamie,” he said, suddenly serious.

“I know why you are here. First of all I have to tell you how sorry I am that I didn’t tell you the truth. When Dana told me everything, the phone call, her lying to you, and why, I felt that it was probably best that you thought it was true. I wanted you to be happy, and I knew that Ellen and I could help Dana in raising a baby, and I also knew that going away was probably your one chance at becoming a doctor. When I was eighteen, I was in the same situation with Ellen, and I had a full scholarship as well. I wanted to be a lawyer, but when I found out Ellen was pregnant, I put it on hold. I told Ellen that I would just save the money and go later, but as time went on, things came up and the money always had to be spent on something. That’s why I knew that if I didn’t lie, as well, that you would stay and, despite your intentions at going to school later, you probably wouldn’t. Of course, I would have offered you the money, but I knew you wouldn’t take it; and not only that, but I knew you would never marry my daughter. I knew that you wouldn’t be happy here with her. I know now that I was wrong, I know you would have made sacrifices, but I know you would’ve done so to be a father. I made those sacrifices, and I don’t regret them one bit. I wish I could go back in time and make it right, but I can’t; all I can do is hope that one day you can forgive me.”

“Jack, I can’t say that I do forgive you completely, at least right now. This is a huge shock for me. I mean, I’m happy that I found out I have a son, but I’m also devastated that I didn’t get to see him grow up. Anyway, about why I’m here. Dana explained to me that you fell, and I hope she doesn’t mind me telling you this, but she told me that you hadn’t fallen since, and that she thinks that you are able to care for yourself, and that you don’t really need to be here. She said that she thought that you were lonely in that big house by yourself, and that the fall scared you more than it would have if you hadn’t lost your wife just a few months before. I think I have to agree; you look great, and I know this isn’t really a nursing home. It’s more like one of those assisted living places for retired people. I heard that you took an early retirement, but hell; you are only in your fifties! Who do you think you were fooling? You don’t need to live in a place like this. I think the only reason Dana agreed was because you had just recently lost Ellen, and she couldn’t bear to say no to you.”

I couldn’t help but laugh! It was ridiculous, funny, and, yet, sad all at once. I had to get him to move to Seattle; he has to start living again, and I don’t want to take Kyle away from him.

“You’re right. I just wanted to get out of that house. I couldn’t live there without her, and I didn’t want to take over Dana’s house, either. She wouldn’t have minded, but I didn’t want her to feel like she had to take me in. Lately, I’ve been thinking of getting an apartment and getting out of here. This place seemed like it was the right place to go at the time; I was still mourning over Ellen, and I couldn’t seem to take care of myself. I couldn’t remember when to eat, drink, or anything. Dana had to call and remind me to do things, so I would keep myself alive. Now, I think I’m ready to start living again.”

“Jack, I want to make you an offer. If you don’t mind me asking, how much do you pay per month to live here?”

“$1200, why?”

“Ok, well, I was wondering if you would consider moving to Seattle. You would be able to see Kyle all the time, and you would be able to start over; get your life back together in a new place.”

“I don’t…”

“No, wait, hear me out. Kyle is having a hard time with the reality of having to move away from everything he knows; rightfully so, I might add, but I thought that if Kyle had you around, it would make the adjustment easier; plus, I would have my second dad back,” I said with a grin. “I have a guest house that is separate from the main house, and all you would have to pay is the utilities and whatever food you want, if you don’t want to eat in the main house.”

He stayed silent for a while before he finally spoke.

“I can’t do that. Jamie, you just met each other, and, yes I agree he is and will continue to have a hard time with all the changes, but you didn’t get the chance to be a father for the first sixteen years of his life, and he didn’t get the chance to have a father. Yes, he will be stubborn; he won’t like moving; it will hit him hard when Dana…when he has to leave everything he knows, and he will take it out on you. If I were there, he would come running to me with all his problems, and I would be his excuse for never getting to know you; and then he will be off to college, and the two of you won’t have built a relationship. I’m not saying it will be easy; he will test you like you’ve never been tested. I know my grandson, and while he is the kindest, sweetest kid you’ll ever know, he is also stubborn, and he can be hurtful, if he wants to be, but it will be because he is hurting and will take it out on you. I do want to be close to Kyle, but I want to give the two of you a chance to build a relationship, and if I were there, I would get in the way of that. Here’s what I’m offering; I will move to Seattle when I feel like both of you are acting like father and son, but, Jamie, don’t tell Kyle any of this. If he knows that I’ll be there eventually, he’ll only act like he is getting along with you; he won’t seriously view you as his dad. I know you will love each other like a father and son should, eventually. In the meantime, I’ll wait right here.”

We spent the next hour catching up, talking about nothing important, and avoiding any more serious conversation. When I got back to Dana’s house, it was quiet. Dana was sleeping, and Kyle was gone, so I sat on the couch, and turned on the TV, which I didn’t really watch. It seemed like my brain would never slow down. Regardless, I fell asleep.

*Kyle*

I couldn’t believe he told whoever it was on the phone that he didn’t want me. That hurts. I mean, I know I don’t want to move in with him, but still, he is my father. How could a father not want his son, the son he thought was dead? I didn’t want to bother my mom with this; after all, she seemed tired lately, and I didn’t want to wake her up, but eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore, and went to talk to her. Luckily, she was awake, watching TV.

“Mom?”

“Yes, honey?”

“Umm, well, I need to talk to you about something, but I don’t want you to get upset.”

“Just tell me, hon.”

“Well, I went up to see if James wanted to watch a movie with me, and I overheard him talking on the phone. I wasn’t eavesdropping, I swear. I turned around to head back downstairs when I heard him say that he didn’t want me, but he had to take me.”

“Honey, are you sure that’s exactly what he said?”

“Well, no; he said, ‘I don’t want him,’ and then he said, ‘I know I have to.’”

“Kyle, I’m sure you misunderstood. We had a long conversation when he brought me my ice cream. Kyle, he is absolutely thrilled about getting the chance to get to know you. You don’t know who he was talking to, or really what he was talking about. James is a very nice guy, and he wouldn’t say he doesn’t want you. If you could have seen the look of devastation I caused when he thought I lost you, then you would know that he does want you. Kyle, it really will be all right, you know. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you have people who love you, who will make sure that you are happy, even if it takes a while for you to find that happiness again. I will always be with you right here,” she said, while placing her hand on my chest. “Trust me, he does want you.”

I nodded, but I know what I heard, and I’m not convinced I misunderstood. I stayed with her and watched TV for a while, before I told her I was going to go see Ethan. It had been too long, and I really wanted to talk to him.

~~~~~~~~~~

James stayed for three more days, before he had to leave to go back to work. I was civil to him, but I couldn’t help but replay in my head what he said; and it made me dislike him more as time went on.

“Bye, Kyle. I’ll see you soon…well, not too soon, I hope.” I knew what he meant; he didn’t want me to lose my mom too soon. I, or my grandpa, was to call him when we thought the time was near. I hoped I didn’t see him for a very long time.

“Bye, James.” I said, reluctantly returning the hug he gave me. He turned toward my mom and said, “I’d stay if I could, but I can’t.”

“I understand; bye Jamie.”

I watched him get in the rental car and drive away. I would see him again, soon; too soon.

An Important Notice About Josh Goes to College

I was naive. I sat on my couch one day, it was well over 100 degrees and I sat in my air conditioned apartment with nothing to do, there was NO way I was going outside in the heat. I was tired of TV, tired of the internet, there was no new stories on Nifty and I got curious. 'What if I wrote a story?' I clicked on the submissions button and read what they required, 'hey, I can do this how hard can it be?' the first chaper of Josh was written an hour later, no thought to where it was going or anything. Oh how naive of me. For those of you who are authors as well, I give you my utmost respect. I was one of those readers who bitched at authors who didn't update for several months, I don't now. I know what it's like to not have time to write and I know how I feel when I realize it's been way too long since I updated. My heart goes out to all of you. I've received more emails than I can possibly count telling me everything from "I love Josh" to your life stories, you have all touched my heart. I've laughed, I've even cried over your emails telling me about yourselves. What touches me, makes me hopeful are those stories where some of you have discussed having a partner for 30, 40, 50+ years, those are the ones I especially get teary eyed over.

I wanted to end Josh at their graduation but when I was feeling overwhelmed I sent out a notice that Josh would end with ch 14 and I got countless emails begging me to keep going and I decided that yes, since I did want it to end with their graduation originally, I made the decision to keep going, though I had no idea how to get to their graduation, I said I would take a hiatus to come up with ideas but as all of you know, I have yet to give you ch 14 and Josh hasn't been updated since January. At this point, taking a hiatus isn't right and I have not had the time to think about where Josh is going so what do I do? Write ch 14 and then make you wait several more months? No, I can't do that to you. Besides, I don't know if I have the time to try to think of where to go next. I have a lot of stuff coming up in my life over the next several months, stuff that will limit my time even more. I have decided to end Josh with ch 14. I know you are all probably disappointed, sad, angry at me and you have every right to be, I haven't been reliable. I will tie up all the loose ends, all the questions you could possibly have about the characters in the epilogue. My mistake with Josh and to a lesser extent Life as I know it, was that I didn't plan out the story (stories), I had no idea where I was going with Josh. I can understand if you avoid future stories written by me but I can assure you that I have learned from my mistakes and I will not post another story until it is complete or nearly complete so that you won't have to wait a long time nor will you have a story you like, ended before it really should be.

It hurts me to disappoint you all and I've disappointed myself as well, I truly was naive about what it took to write a story and ending Josh now definitely wasn't what I wanted to do but for my wellbeing and for the sake of all of you and the fact that I don't want to make you wait several months for me to figure out what to do with the story, I'm ending it with the next chapter instead.

Life as I know it will continue, for how long I'm not sure but it isn't even close to ending at this point. I can safely say that there are several more chapters and at the rate I update, that is a long time.

I deeply apologize for having to do this, my heart aches but I know that I made the right choice, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Please give me another chance in the future, I will like I said, make sure I complete a story before I post. Ch 14 of Josh will be up soon, maybe a week.

I hope all of you are well

Sam

Life as I know it chapter 3

I sat there shocked. What does she mean she found my father? Why would she do that? Finally, I got out, "Father? But why?"

"Kyle, what's going to happen when I'm gone? Where will you live? Honey, I…I just want to know that you are taken care of; that you are loved. Your dad is a good man. I want you to live with him."

"But I don't know him; he doesn't know me! How do you know he will even want anything to do with me? I'm sixteen; I can take care of myself." I sat back, my arms across my chest. It's not fair! I'm going to lose my mom, and now I might have to move away? Move in with someone I've never met? NO! Fuck, no! I will not lose everything else, on top of my mom. I will not change schools; I won't move away; I won't lose my grandpa, the only family I'll have left; and I will not lose Ethan! I sat there glaring at my mom, but seeing the wary look on her face, I softened my expression; I'm a selfish asshole!

She sat back, getting comfortable, and she began telling me what she calls 'the biggest mistake of my life.'

Your dad, James, and I were very close friends. Our parents were friends and neighbors. In fact, it was an ongoing joke to the four of them that they did everything together. They married around the same time, bought their houses at the same time, and our mothers were pregnant with us at the same time. James and I were born 3 weeks apart, and we were friends from the beginning. We didn't go through the 'cooties' stage; in fact, we really didn't see each other as 'boy' and 'girl'; all we knew is that we were best friends.

We made it all the way to senior year without me having a boyfriend or him having a girlfriend. Looking back, I know that people thought we were more than friends. We were curious about sex; who isn't at that age? We decided that we didn't want to be virgins when we started college, so we decided to experiment. We had a saying, "Who else can you trust if you can't trust your best friend?" So we were each other's first kiss; first everything, really. We didn't want to be in a relationship; it was really just sex.

When I found out I was pregnant, I panicked. James' family didn't have a lot of money, and he dreamed of becoming a doctor. The only way he could go to college would be if he got a full scholarship, and he managed to get one to a school in Washington. Anywhere close to where we lived only offered him partial scholarships and we had accepted that we would be separated for college, but when I found out about you, I decided I didn't want to tell him, because I didn't want him to give up his dream."

She smiled wistfully. "I knew that if I told him, he would stay; he's just that type of person. He knew something was wrong, and he kept trying to get it out of me. Eventually, I broke down and told him. Just like I thought, he said he would stay and go to a community college. I cried for a long time over that. I didn't want him to give up on his dreams. I had been accepted to a university close to home, and I knew that my parents would help me with you, but James? Staying meant that he wouldn't get to do what he wanted, or at least that it would take more time, more struggling to make it. I didn't want that."

She stood up from the chair and walked over to the window, looking, but not really seeing.

"I had a difficult pregnancy. I almost lost you several times, especially at first. Every time, James would be right there in the hospital with me, holding my hand, reassuring me. One time, I began having problems, and James came running like usual. After I told him everything was ok, he relaxed, and so did I; I fell asleep. When I awoke, he didn't notice; he was talking on the phone. What he was saying . . . it shocked me, but it also made me feel guilty. I knew I could never give him what he needed; what he wanted. I had to let him go. I had to let him live the life he really wanted. I wanted him to go to school; I wanted him to be happy.

The next time I ended up in the hospital, I lied to him. I told him that I lost you. As soon as it was out of my mouth, and I saw the devastation on his face, I knew I made a mistake. I should have talked to him about what I heard; I should have tried to figure out how he could be happy, yet still be your father. Lying to him is my biggest regret. I'll never forgive myself for depriving you of a father, and him of a son.

The next month, he left for school, and I started school as well. My parents moved with me, because they knew James' parents would find out about you when I grew bigger. James called me often, but I felt so guilty. I told him that I needed some time, and I asked him not to call again; that I'd call him. I never did. Because of my lie, I lost my best friend; my parents lost their best friends; you missed out on a father; and he missed out on a son. I thought I was doing something good, but I quickly learned I wasn't, and I was too much of a coward to admit I lied."

She turned toward me and said, "I'm dying Kyle; I can feel my body starting to betray me. I can't make up for the past, for my mistakes, but I can try. James is a wonderful guy. He is funny, caring, honest, and I know he would want a chance to be your dad, to get to know you, to watch you grow into the man you are already growing into. I know I'm asking a lot. I'm asking you to live with someone you don't know, change schools, move half-way across the country, leave Ethan…but I want you to get the chance I never gave you the opportunity to have. I want you to know your father."

She sat down in her chair, exhausted, and I sat there speechless. Finally, I said;

"I always thought he never knew, but you…you lied; you deceived him, his parents, me! You made me think that my dad was just some random guy." I could feel my voice rising. "You had all this time to make it right, all these years to try and contact him, and tell him the truth, and you are just now doing it? Have you even called him yet?"

"No," she said softly.

"Would you have ever done it if we weren't in this situation?"

"I…I don't know."

Shaking my head at her, I said, "I will not leave Ethan, I will not leave my school, I will not leave grandpa! I can take care of myself; I don't need someone who knows nothing about me to tell me what to do. Besides, Ethan needs me; what the fuck is he going to do without me? He already has to lose you, but lose me, too? Be stuck with his parents in that house…no, that prison! No, I'm not leaving, I'm not!"

I had to get out of there! My mind was swimming with thoughts and unanswered questions, I left the house, and immediately pulled out my phone to call Ethan.

"Meet me at the park."

"Are you ok?" Ethan asked.

"Yes, just meet me, ok?"

"Yeah, sure; I'm leaving right now," Ethan said.

"See you in about ten minutes."

"Ok."

The park I was talking about was within walking distance, so I started walking, not really thinking about anything around me, and I was soon there. Seeing that Ethan wasn't there yet, I found a bench and sat down to wait. I didn't have to wait long; Ethan practically ran up to me.

"What's wrong? Is your mom ok?"

"She's fine, Eth, I just…," I ran my hand over my face, wondering how I was going to tell him that I might have to leave him. I'd do anything I could to stay, but what if I have to leave?

"Mom found my dad. He lives in Washington and she wants me to go live with him." His jaw dropped, and remained open, as I told him what my mom told me; about her lying; how he doesn't know I exist. After I finished, we sat there silently for a long time, before he said, "What's going to happen with us? If you leave, does that mean we have to break up? Why can't you stay here? I mean, you are sixteen; maybe you can do that emancipation thing."

He wasn't saying anything that I wasn't thinking about myself, but hearing him talk about breaking up, voicing it, hurt more than I could possibly imagine.

"No matter what, we are not breaking up. I don't know what's going to happen, but I know that I want to be with you; I love you. We'll figure it out. In two years we will be going to college, so we will just have to make sure we still go to the same college. Maybe we can visit each other. Two years isn't that long." Yeah, right; two years is a long time . . . too long. I don't know if I was trying to convince just him, or me, too.

Reaching over, I stroked his cheek, looking into the watery eyes. "I promise; no matter what, we will be together. Even if we have to be apart for awhile, we will be together again. Glancing around, and seeing no one, I kissed him, trying to put all of what I feel for him in that kiss.

"We'll make it."

"Yeah, we will," he agreed, trying to smile, but not quite making it.

"You staying the night?"

"Of course; when am I not staying the night?"

"Come on, let's go."

Little did I know, as I was talking to Ethan, my mom was talking to my dad.

*Dana (mom)*

I think telling Kyle about his dad, about what I did, was worse than finding out I'm dying. No, maybe not, but it's definitely just as bad. How do I feel about dying? Well, I can't really describe it. I'm scared; scared of the unknown, but I'm also worried about Kyle. I'm worried that he won't handle it well. I'm sad mostly; sad that I won't be able to see my son become a man; won't see him grow as a human being. I'm also angry, angry with myself for not pushing the doctors, angry with the doctors for not doing more. I guess I'm a mess right now, but I try hard not to show it in front of Kyle. I think I've been successful. I love him with everything I am, and I don't want him to see me fall apart; I do that when I'm alone.

I have to call James - no time like the present; my hand is shaking so much - from the tumor or from nerves; I can't be sure. I pick up the phone and dial the number on the piece of paper I have.

My heart is beating fast; I hear the phone ring: one ring, two rings. Maybe he won't answer.

"Hello?" the voice answers; it's not James.

"Is there a James there?" I asked hesitantly.

"Yes, can I ask who this is?"

"D-Dana," I stuttered. 'Shit, get a hold of yourself, Dana!' I chastised myself.

"Umm, ok, I'll go get him," the man said.

"Hello? Dana?"

"Hello, Jamie."

"Oh my God! Dana, is that really you? How have you been? No, wait, what's wrong? Are you ok? Is your dad ok?"

I almost laughed at his rapid fire questions. It's how he has always been. Knowing why I was calling him sobered me quickly.

"Yes, it's really me. Dad is fine. He is in a nursing home now, but they treat him well, and he actually likes it."

"That's good, Dana; I'm glad he's ok. I'm glad he's happy; he was always good to me. Your mom, too; I heard she passed a few years ago. I'm sorry, Dana; she was a good woman."

"Thanks, Jamie."

"It's been a long time, Dana; what happened? One day you said you needed a little time, and then you never called back. Then I heard you moved, and, well I didn't know what to think. I kept waiting for you to call, and you never did."

"I'm sorry, Jamie. I'm so sorry; you don't know how sorry I am."

"It's ok, Dana. I just…it doesn't matter. I'm just glad you are calling me now."

"Actually, I have something important to tell you. I really don't want to tell you this over the phone, but what else can I do?"

"Why don't you come up here? I can show you around Seattle; you said you have always wanted to see it."

"I can't, James; I can't travel."

"What? Why not?"

"I have cancer…"

"What?" he breathed out in shock.

"A brain tumor; it's terminal."

"Oh no! Oh, Dana, I'm sorry."

"No, don't be sorry. You know, you are making this very hard to tell you what I need to tell you. You'll hate me, and, frankly, I won't blame you for hating me; I hate myself because of it."

"I could never hate you."

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath, and jumped in.

"I made a mistake, a big mistake; something I have always regretted. I lied to you. I thought I was giving you what you wanted. I thought I was giving you a chance to be happy, but I soon realized my mistake. Instead of fixing the mistake by telling you the truth, I was a coward, and I kept lying. I didn't lose the baby, Jamie; I had him. His name is Kyle, and he is such a good boy. I'm so sorry; I know sorry doesn't begin to make up for it, but I am."

He was silent for so long that I had to see if he hung up.

"But…why? Why would you do something so…so cruel? We had a plan; I was going to stay with you, help you. Why?"

"One time, when I was in the hospital, I woke up to hearing you on the phone. What you were saying…well I knew you would never really be happy if you stayed. I could never give you what you wanted. I thought that by lying, you wouldn't be obligated to stay."

"So why now? Because you are dying, huh? Is that it? You decide 'oh I'll call Jamie, because I want to clear my conscience before I die."

I couldn't help but gasp at that; it hurt, and I deserved it. I heard him take a deep breath, and then he said, "I'm sorry, Dana; that was low."

"No, I deserved it. I will never forgive myself for denying you the chance to be a father, and Kyle the chance to have a father. I should have just talked to you about what I heard, but I was shocked, and I reacted."

"Yeah, I guess that would be shocking. I'm sorry I never told you. I didn't know how, especially with you being pregnant. I guess we are both guilty for our lack of communication."

"Listen, I know I don't deserve to ask you for a favor, but the reason I called is that…well, to be honest, Kyle has nowhere to go when I'm gone, and I was hoping he could live with you. You would get a chance to be the father I stopped you from being, and Kyle would get to know his father."

"Can I meet him now? I mean, can I come there and meet him?"

"Yes, of course you can. When?"

"Friday?"

"Yeah, that would be great, though I have to warn you, he isn't too thrilled with the possibility of living with you. I think it's more about having to move than actually living with you."

"I can understand that."

"Jamie…do you think you can ever forgive me?"

"I-I don't know Dana. I really don't."

"Ok, I guess that's fair."

"I'll call this number to let you know what time I'll be there; ok?"

"Ok. Do you need me to pick you up at the airport?"

"No, I'll rent a car."

"In that case, you will need the address." I gave him the address, and we said our goodbyes.

Now I have to tell Kyle that his dad is coming. That should go over well.

*Kyle*

When we got home, my mom was sitting in her chair watching TV, and when I started to drag Ethan up the stairs to my room, she stopped me.

"Kyle, come here for a second."

"Yeah, mom?"

"I called your dad."

My dad . . . those words sound so weird to me. I want to know what he said, but at the same time, I don't. I don't want to like him; I don't want to move.

"He is going to be here Friday."

"What? You mean he's coming here? To the house?"

"Yes, he wants to meet you."

"What if I don't want to meet him?"

She glared at me. That look said 'don't push it' and I couldn't make myself, no matter how much I wanted to. I keep thinking that this may be the last day, and I don't want to fight with her, so I kept my mouth shut.

"You will meet him. He is flying all the way from Seattle to meet you, and you damn well better put on a smile and be nice."

"Yes, ma'am," I said softly. I reached out to Ethan, and, taking his hand, pulled him up the stairs.

It was too early to sleep, but all I wanted to do was lie in my bed with Ethan's arms wrapped around me. I didn't ask, but he somehow knew what I needed, because he laid on the bed and motioned for me to lie next to him.

"I don't want to leave you."

"I don't want you to leave either, but, and don't get mad when I say this, but maybe it would be a good thing to get to know your dad. You would only have to live with him for two years, and then we start college. I would miss you like crazy, but it might be a good thing to have him in your life. I would give anything to have a dad that gives a shit."

"See, that's another reason I don't want to leave; you would be stuck at home all the time."

"Well, it's not so bad, really. It's just that they ignore me, and when they do pay attention, it's to tell me to read my bible, or to say my prayers, and they always ask me if I sinned today. But, besides that, they just ignore me. Being ignored isn't so bad, especially when I know that it's only for two more years."

"I still don't want you to have to deal with them. You are just too damn optimistic."

"Yeah, maybe I am, but I know it will be ok. We will always be together, I know it."

* * *

"Mom, sit down. I told you I would help make the cookies."

"No, I want to do this. James used to love my cookies, but thanks, honey."

I just sat there watching her rushing around. Today is a good day; she isn't shaking, and she hasn't been forgetting what she wants to say, and I haven't seen her drop anything. It makes me happy to see her looking like herself, and not the woman who has a brain tumor. I can't help but wonder how many 'good days' I'll see.

My, umm, well, my dad . . . shit, just the thought is weird, is coming today, and she is going crazy trying to fix all of his favorites. My mom asked me to invite Ethan, but I told her I didn't want to, because I don't know what my dad would think about me being gay. She laughed, and said, "I don't think he would care." But when she saw I wasn't budging, changed the subject.

I can't sit still, I'm so nervous. What if he hates me? What if he has a family? What if he's single, and doesn't want some sixteen year old kid screwing up his chance to find someone? What would he do if he finds out I'm gay?

A knocking at the door interrupted my thoughts.

Oh shit! This is it.

My mom went to answer the door, while I stayed in the kitchen.

"Hello, Jamie."

Life as I know it chapter 2

Brain tumor.

Hearing that, my brain shut down, but not enough to save me from hearing all the other bad things about my mom's condition. I still heard the words inoperable, terminal, and the stupid estimate of time she has left: three months at best. How sweet of him to add the 'at best' to the end of three months. What the fuck does he know? The asshole doctor didn't even show any emotions; he was stoic. He gave my mom her death sentence so matter-of-factly that you would think he delivered that kind of news every day.

I heard my mom crying, and I so wanted to just take her in my arms and make the pain go away . . . make IT go away, but I couldn't move. It was like I was watching everything from a distance; like I wasn't actually a part of it. I would like to say I cried with her, but I was numb. Well, ok, not completely numb; I was angry; not at my mom, but at the uncaring doctor; at every other doctor she saw, who didn't even try to find a cause for her migraines; just threw a bunch of prescriptions at her, telling her that 'this one should work'. I wanted someone to blame, but it doesn't matter; blame won't make IT go away.

When it was all over, I held my mom close, as we slowly walked out of the doctor's office; like, as long as we hadn't left the hospital, IT didn't exist; as long as we didn't go back to our life, everything was ok.

Ethan had been sitting in the Waiting Room. When we got there, I'm sure the look on our faces told him that something was seriously wrong. You could almost see the internal struggle play out on his face . . . about whether he wanted to hear it or not. Ethan is almost as close to my mom as I am. His family isn't very affectionate, and they don't give him very much attention; so my mom has kind of taken over, and makes up for their indifference.

I just shook my head at him, and motioned with my head to follow us, and he did. My mom stopped when we reached the doors of the hospital, and I knew she was feeling the same as I was . . . that once we left the hospital, it all became a part of reality, a reality that we didn't want any part of, the end of life as we both know it.

I squeezed my mom's shoulder, and gave her a kiss on the cheek, and then I looked her in the eyes and tried to pass some strength onto her; strength that I wasn't feeling myself. She gave me a small smile, took a deep breath, and took the first step into the shitty reality we now faced.

The drive home was silent. When we got there, we just sat in the car for a minute, staring at the house that I have lived in for as long as I can remember; two story, painted white, with a garden of flowers in front, carefully taken care of by my mom. It was beautiful. I looked over at her, and I could tell she was looking at the flowers, also; and I also saw peace in her eyes. I don't know how she can feel at peace with dying, and I was surprised to feel anger at that, but I hid it well, and I asked her, "You ready?"

"Yes," she replied, and I got out of the car and went around to open the door for her.

When we got inside the house, my mom turned to me and said, "Honey, I think I'll go up and take a nap. Take some money out of my purse, and get some food for you and Ethan."

"Ok, mom. Are you going to be ok?" Ok, I know, stupid question; of course, she won't be ok, but I just felt the need to ask her that.

"Yes, baby, I'll be fine." She walked over to me, took my face in her hands, and said, "Go out with your boyfriend; don't worry about me. I love you; go have fun." She hugged me tight, and I sort of melted into her. I took a deep breath, breathing in her scent, and I couldn't help but wonder how many more times I would be able to do that. I willed that thought to leave my head, and just enjoyed the hug. I don't know how long we stood there hugging, but it wasn't long enough; it would never be enough; not now, not when time was so limited. When she let go of me, she told me to bring her back something to eat, and started up the stairs to her room.

I took some money from her purse, turned to Ethan, and said, "Let's go." I couldn't decide what I was feeling at that point, so I decided not to say anymore. As we were driving to a local diner, Ethan kept glancing at me with a concerned expression, but I just couldn't talk about it right now; so I stayed quiet. We arrived at the diner and took our seats, and then ordered. As we waited, I stared out the window, trying to avoid Ethan's questioning looks; but, by then, it had turned into more than just glances; now he was just staring, not bothering to look away. Our food arrived, but I wasn't really hungry; I just played with my fries, and ignored Ethan's stares. My mind was reeling from all the thoughts in my head; what if she had been more forceful with the Doctors? What if they would have actually searched for what was causing the migraines? How long does she really have? What will happen to me? To Ethan? The last two questions made me feel selfish, and mad at myself, and I threw the fry I had in my hand onto the plate, and finally looked up at Ethan, still staring at me.

"What?" I snapped.

"I-I just want to know what's wrong with her." He looked away, but not before I saw the tears in his eyes.

I placed my hand on his arm. "I'll go get my mom her food, and then we'll talk, ok?"

He nodded.

"Meet me outside," I said, as I made my way over to the counter to order the food. Once I had her food, I left, and found Ethan already inside his truck, waiting. I took a deep breath, and got in the truck.

"Let's go to the park," I said.

How do you tell someone that the one person who treated you more like a son than your own parents, the one who has been there for you for as long as you can remember, the one who loves you like a second son, is dying? I can't even deal with it; how do I expect him to?

When we got to the park, I left her food in the truck, and stepped out, with Ethan following behind me. Finding a bench in front of the pond, I sat, and then looked up to see Ethan just standing there.

"Sit…please."

He hesitated, and then sat next to me.

I sat looking out at the pond; finally, after what seemed like a long time, I took a deep breath

"It's cancer."

I heard him gasp, and then he stuttered, "B-b-but they can do something right? Chemo? Radiation? Surgery? They will make her better…r-right?

"No, it's…it's too late. There's nothing that they can do. She's going to...." Clearing my throat, I realized that I couldn't say the "d" word out loud.

"NO! She can't be! We'll get a second opinion," Ethan said.

"No, they called in two other doctors to review everything."

We both fell silent, each in our own thoughts, until it started to get dark.

"We should get back; she's probably wondering where her food is," I said, laughing lightly. The woman loves her food.

The drive home was just as silent. When we got to the house, we found my mom sitting in her favorite chair, watching TV.

"Where have you been? I'm starving!" she said, smiling at us.

Ethan walked over and gave her a hug, and then turned around and ran up the stairs.

"Oh, Kyle; you had to tell him so soon?"

"I'm sorry, mom, but he knew something was wrong; I couldn't lie to him."

I sat on the arm of her chair and leaned into her.

"Oh, here's your food."

"Gee, thanks! Just what I wanted - a cold, soggy cheeseburger." She moved so fast, I couldn't react; and the next thing I know, I'm across her lap, laughing hysterically, as she tickled me. She eventually stopped, and I sat up, still trying to catch my breath."

Hugging her, I said, "I love you, mom."

"I love you, too.

"I'm going to go check on Ethan."

"Ok, honey. Oh, Kyle, we are going to go see your grandpa tomorrow, so don't stay up too late."

"Ok, mom."

I went up to my room, and opened the door slowly. There, lying on my bed, was Ethan; asleep. He never bothers to tell his parents when he is staying the night, so I didn't try to wake him; I just got undressed, and slipped in next to him. He unconsciously moved closer to me, and I wrapped an arm around him and tried to go to sleep.

Instead, I lay awake, with what seemed like a million thoughts swirling around in my head. Then it hit me; my mom is dying! She only has, at most, three months. Three months is nothing; it goes fast! Shit! What will happen? Will she suffer? Oh, God! The tears that had refused to appear; came, and they came fast and hot, down my cheek. Not wanting to disturb Ethan, I turned away from him, putting some space between him and me. I buried my head in my pillow to stifle the noise I was trying desperately not to make.

I felt Ethan move closer, and felt his hand around my stomach, and his lips on my neck, kissing me lightly, like he always does when I'm upset. I felt his tears on my neck, and I turned around to face him. We grabbed each other, both crying, and wrapped our arms around each other, offering unspoken support to the other.

The next thing I know, my mom is knocking on the door, telling me it's time to get up. I looked over at Ethan, to find he was still asleep. I didn't want to wake him, so I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote a note, telling him that we are going to visit my grandpa.

I took a quick shower, and got dressed, and then went down to the kitchen to find my mom drinking coffee.

"You ready? I thought we would go get breakfast on the way."

"Yes. Ethan's still sleeping, and I didn't want to wake him, just to tell him to go home."

"Ok, let's go."

Breakfast was silent, both of us stuck in our own thoughts. I wasn't looking forward to our visit with grandpa. I knew exactly why we are going . . . she is going to tell him about her. For a minute, I wished I didn't have to go; that I wouldn't have to witness how upset he would get; but, just as quickly, I realized that I should be there, if nothing else but to offer support.

After we finished eating, we made our way over to the nursing home; down the hall and to the right, like we've done more times than I can count, but this time, there was a sense of dread, as we walked slower than we normally would.

"My two favorite people in the world, come to visit an old fuck like me? Why, I don't know what to think."

"Dad!" "Grandpa!" we both said at the same time, slightly embarrassed, and yet entertained by his language.

"Come here and give me a hug."

We did what he asked, and then sat down. I winced, because I knew what was coming next.

"So, dad, are they still treating you ok?"

"Why yes; that morning nurse is a good looking lady. I tell you, she flirts with me. Can you believe that? Flirting with an old fart like me?"

I couldn't help but laugh at him, despite what I knew was coming.

"What are you laughing at, son?" he asked, laughing.

"Nothin', grandpa," I said, still laughing.

"How's my other grandson?"

"He's at home, sleeping."

"Well you tell your boyfriend that he better come with you the next time you come visit me."

"Ok, grandpa."

I heard my mom take a deep breath, and I knew that this is it.

I reached over and squeezed her arm in silent support.

"Dad, I have something to tell you, and I don't even know how to begin."

"Just tell me. Out with it; it's the only way."

"Well, you know how I've been having migraines a lot over the past several months?"

He nodded.

"Well, about a week ago, I collapsed; fainted, I guess, and Kyle insisted I go to the hospital. They did some tests and, yesterday, we got the results. Dad, I-I," she cleared her throat, and grandpa immediately looked even more concerned than he already did.

"It's a brain tumor, dad. It's terminal."

I heard grandpa gasp, and then he rushed to my mom and hugged her tightly. They stayed like that for a while, and then grandpa pulled me into the hug, too.

"We'll get through this, you hear me?" grandpa said.

She nodded, and then he pulled away.

"Kyle, I want some chocolate. Can you go get me a brownie from the cafeteria? Get yourself one, too. Here's some money."

I knew he wasn't asking, and I knew that he just wanted me out of the room for a while. Little did I know, their conversation would be the start of the end of life as I know it.

I took my time getting the brownies, and by the time I made it back to his room, they were sitting quietly; my grandpa had this determined look on his face, and my mom looked like she couldn't decide whether to be pissed or worried.

Grandpa noticed me first, and he asked, "Do you have my brownie, son?" He said it so softly, and with such concern that I knew I couldn't hide my surprise. I had only ever heard that tone once before . . . when I came out to him. He is normally a loud and funny man.

"Yes, sir."

"Well, bring it here. I've been wanting one of these all day."

I walked over to him and handed him his brownie, and then my mom stood up and said it was time to leave. She walked over to my grandpa, and hugged him for a long time, before she turned and left the room. I started to follow, but grandpa stopped me by grabbing my arm softly.

"Son, whatever happens, whatever…whatever decisions are made, promise me, you won't make it any harder on your mom than it already is, ok? She…we only want what's best for you. Can you do that? Try not to argue with her."

I know I showed my confusion, but I nodded and said, "I promise, grandpa."

"That's good; love you, son. Tell Ethan that he better get his ass here soon."

"I will; I love you, too, grandpa."

I gave him a hug and left.

The next month went by faster than I wanted it to. Everything was normal; I went to school, came home, spent time with Ethan, and went to football games. I did everything I usually do, except I knew that things would change soon.

A couple of days ago, I noticed that my mom was starting to shake almost constantly, and that she seemed clumsy. It was like a punch to the stomach. She acted like it was nothing, waving her hand in a dismissive way, but I knew better.

Today, I got home to find my mom sitting in her chair, looking nervous.

"Mom?"

She looked at me and said, "Sit down, please."

I sat down, and she took my hand and said, "You know that you are going to have to live with someone else when I…when I'm gone, right?"

I nodded, and said, "I thought maybe I'd live with Ethan."

"No; Ethan doesn't even spend much time there; it won't work. I'm sorry, Kyle. I'm sorry this is happening to me, but I'm even sorrier that I have to take you away from all that you know, but, I have to do what's best for you. Kyle, for the last few weeks, I've been searching for your father. Son, I've found your father."

Life as I know it chapter 1

"Kyle Thomas Peterson! You have five minutes to get your ass out of bed, or I'll come up there and drag you out, hard on and all!"

Yes, that is my mom saying that! She's just like that - not afraid to say things like hard on. It's just mom and me; my dad left before I was born; but, of course, he didn't know I still existed; but I'll get to that later. Like I said just mom and me; well, my grandpa, too, but he's in a nursing home across town. He still has his mind, but when he fell and couldn't get up, we, and by that I mean even he, decided that he needed the extra help. At first, my mom was against it; she didn't want her dad in a nursing home, because she felt that she needed to be the one to help him. But when grandpa made her see that she couldn't possibly work, take care of me, and take care of him, she dropped it, and reluctantly agreed to him going to the nursing home.

I got out of bed before my mom could make good on her promise, and headed to my bathroom to get rid of my piss hard on. After doing that, I headed over to the mirror. I think of myself as "average", nothing special. At sixteen, you would think I'd be taller; but I'm not, I'm only 5'8'', and thin, rail thin. It doesn't matter how much I eat, I never gain weight. I looked at myself in the mirror - brown hair, green eyes - that about sums it up. Of course, my boyfriend says that I'm anything but average and that I'm "the most beautiful person in the world"; but hey, he's a little biased - he loves me. I love him, too; I love him more every day. We've been together for three years; yes, that means that we were thirteen when we became boyfriends, but we have been friends since kindergarten. He always comes by to pick me up for school; speaking of which, I have to hurry. Racing back to my room to find some clothes, I quickly get dressed; if I don't, my mom tries to force feed my boyfriend more food, even though he just ate. I don't think he minds; he is the opposite of me. Ethan has blond hair, and these piercing blue eyes that make you want to sink into them and float away. He is also tall; we make a funny couple - me at 5'8'' and him at 6'2''; me so thin, and him so built - we are talking six-pack here. I think he actually likes eating breakfast at his house, and then coming here to eat more; but to be honest, the amount he eats is sickening - that's why I don't want to watch him eat breakfast here, too. What! Am I kidding? I love that about him, too, even if, like I said, it is kind of sickening. I am so excited; today is Friday, and we are going to go out tonight. I love just spending time with him, but it's nice to go out.

When I'm finally ready, I go downstairs to see if he's here, and, sure enough, he's stuffing his face with my mom's chocolate chip pancakes. Shaking my head, I can't help but smile at the same time.

"Hey, babe!" I say, as I plant a kiss right on his lips.

"Hey, baby!" he replies back.

Looking over at mom, she makes a gagging gesture, using her finger, a reaction to our greetings. She's also smiling, though. She always teases us playfully; that's just mom, just how she has always been. She is definitely a mom, though; I've tested that thoroughly over the years. Considering how she found out that I'm gay, I'd say she's great about it. I was fourteen, when she walked in on Ethan and me, with each other's dick in our mouth. Yeah, not how I imagined she would find out, but she just turned and walked out of my room. That kind of killed the mood; we were both scared half to death, and close to tears. We quickly got dressed, and went downstairs to find my mom reading a book. She looked up at us, and went back to reading her book for a couple of minutes, until she closed it and told us to sit down.

"So I guess you two are together then?"

"Yes," both of us answered nervously.

"Ok."

"Ok?" I asked shocked that there wasn't more.

"Yes, ok. I don't really think you are ready for what you were doing up there, but I can't tell you not to do it; you will anyway. At least, you'll do it where you're safe."

"But, you don't care that I'm gay?"

"No, I don't. I had a friend who was gay. It isn't something you chose, it isn't something you can change, so why be upset about it? Yes, it will take me some time to get used to it, adjust my thinking about what your future holds, but it is what it is; I love you just the same - five trillion piece of chocolate, ten bazillion chocolate chip cookies."

I laughed, and then cried tears of joy at that. Anytime she wanted to express how much she loved me, but couldn't possibly express it in words, she always chose foods that she liked. It was like our own little personal way of saying how much we meant to each other. So that was that; two years later, it hasn't changed. She only made the rules that she doesn't want us having sex anywhere in the house except my bedroom; that she doesn't want to hear us; and that if we decided to have anal sex, I would come to her before we do. No matter how embarrassing it was, I did just that, about eight months ago, when we decided it was time. I knew she wanted me to talk to her about it, because she cares about me.

So while he stuffed his face with pancakes, I got some of my own; I was not passing up my mom's chocolate chip pancakes! After I had three, and Ethan had five, we both kissed my mom on the cheek and headed out to Ethan's truck to go to school. You would think that a small town in Texas wouldn't be accepting, but, with a few exceptions, nobody cares that we're gay. We've been out since we realized we are gay. Yeah, there are a few assholes, but they just like making a few smart ass comments, and that's it. We actually have a lot of friends, but in our core group, there is only seven of us - Ethan and me, plus Julie, Amy, Eli, Ian, and Chase; a truly great group of people; we have so much fun together. It was an unspoken agreement that we would all meet outside the school every morning.

"Hey, bitches!" I say, as I approach them.

"Hey, assholes!" they all reply at once, like always.

We all laughed, and then talked about nothing important, as we waited for the bell to ring. What is there to say about school? It's always the same: four classes, lunch, three more classes and then freedom. No, I'm not a shitty student - I have a 3.9 GPA, but that doesn't mean I don't find school boring as hell; the only thing good about it is Ethan and my friends. Besides, I was anxious to get the day over with so I could go out with Ethan.

Finally, it was over. We said goodbye to all our friends, and left to go to my house. It's something we always do: we don't wait until the actual date, we just go to his house or mine, and hang out until it's time to go out; usually my house, though; Ethan isn't out to his parents. I know that may seem strange, to be out to my mom, and out to the entire school, but his parents are crazy, I mean crazy! They are religious, but it's more than that - they are extreme - the type of people you hear about when you think of taking religion to the extreme. I know that they would ship him off to be "cured", if they knew he is gay.

When we got to the house and parked, I noticed my mom's car in the driveway. "I wonder why my mom's here; she isn't supposed to be home for a couple of hours." To be honest, I was hoping we would be able to do something to pass the time, if you know what I mean.

"I don't know; you think she is having another one of her migraines?"

"I hope not; I can tell they are painful; they even make her throw up sometimes. It's scary to see her like that."

For the past few months, she's had these migraines that literally stop her in her tracks. They make her drop everything she's doing, because they are so painful. She went to the doctor and they gave her this medicine, and it helps a little bit, but just enough to take the edge off her pain. She keeps going back, and they keep giving her new medication. We go into the house to find my mom lying on the couch, looking like she's sleeping.

"Kyle?"

"Yes, mom?"

"I know this is your date night, but before you go, can you go to the pharmacy? The doctor put me on this new medication - it's ready; all you have to do is pick it up. Grab my purse, please."

"Sure, mom." I give her purse to her, and she hands me her insurance card and some money. "I don't know how much it will cost."

"Don't worry, mom; we'll go do that right now."

"Thank you, honey."

I gave her a kiss, and then we leave.

"I don't understand, Ethan," I say to him, as we get into his truck. "Why the fuck aren't the doctors trying to do anything? It's just 'here's another medication; hope it works'. They aren't even trying to find out what might be causing it."

"I don't know; I wish they would. It worries me, seeing her like that. It seems to be happening more often now, too."

I take his hand, and we drive in silence the rest of the way. He's right; it has been happening more frequently. That thought had never crossed my mind before; maybe I didn't want it to.

When we got to the pharmacy, I got out as soon as he stopped the truck. I wanted to get those pills and get back, so that she could take one; maybe this one would actually take all the pain away. I walked up to the counter, told them who it was for, paid, and was out of there in probably two minutes. Ethan knows the drill; he just stayed in the truck. We've done this before, and he knows that I want to get it, and get it to my mom as fast as I can; so he's learned to just stay in the truck and let me get it. I get back in the truck, and he squeezes my hand before we leave to go back home. Its little gestures like that; that makes me love him so much; he is such a caring person. We make the short drive home in no time, and, again, I jump out of the truck as soon as it has stopped. Walking quickly, I make it into the house before he has had the chance to get out of the truck.

"Mom?"

"In here."

I find her in the exact same spot she was in when we left, and I hand her the medication, and then go into the kitchen to get her some water. I pray that it works; I don't know how much more she can take. Taking a deep breath, I go back into the living room and hand her the glass of water, then open the pill bottle, and hand her one. After she takes it, she stands up and says "Thanks, honey; I'm going to go lie down; be careful tonight."

I watch her as she starts walking away from me, and she appears a little unsteady, so I go to reach out to help her, and she collapses. I just barely am able to catch her before she hits the floor.

"Mom?" She comes out of it immediately, but I've seen enough; this has got to stop; something has to be done.

"I'm fine, honey; I'm just in a lot of pain; the medicine will help."

"No, you're going to the hospital right now; they need to find out what's causing this. They should have tried a long time ago, but all they've been doing is handing you endless prescriptions, saying it will help, but it hasn't."

"I'm fine; I don't need to go to the hospital."

"Yes, you do; you're going." I had never tried to tell my mom what to do, and I could tell she was shocked by it, but I guess she saw how serious I was, because she sighed and nodded. By now, Ethan was in the house, just standing there watching us; but when he saw that she agreed to go, he helped me get her out to her car. After we got her into the passenger seat, he got in the back seat, and I got into the driver's seat, and quickly got us to the hospital. Life would never be the same.