Life as I Know it chapter 4

“Hi, Dana, is he here?”

“Yes, he’s in the kitchen. Follow me.”

My heart started beating faster than it already was; so hard I felt like it would beat out of my chest! I watched the door as it swung open, and I got my first look at my father. I looked up, and up and up; this guy was tall! Taller than Ethan’s 6’2’’, that’s for sure. He looked to be at least 6’6”, if not more, and built, too; but then I got to his face, and I saw my face . . .  same structure, same brown hair, and his eyes were like mine, green. His eyes betrayed how happy he was to meet me. I stood up, feeling small and insignificant next to him. I held out my hand to shake his, and he took my hand and pulled me into a hug. At first, I felt uncomfortable, but it soon felt good. I had had plenty of hugs throughout my life from my grandparents and my mom, but this felt so good. I didn’t want it to; I wanted to be angry. I didn’t want to move to Seattle, and feeling so good about a hug wasn’t helping.

He pulled away, and I saw tears in his eyes; this big strong man was getting all tearful over me! Oh damn! I’m in trouble; how can I hate the guy now?

“Kyle, right?”

“Yes.”

“You can call me James or Jamie; I doubt you’re ready for anything else right now.”

I shook my head. “Jamie it is then; please sit.”

My mom came on in and said, “Wow, Jamie, you haven’t changed a bit. Would you like something to drink, while I put the finishing touches on dinner?”

“Water would be great, thanks.”

“I’ll get it, mom,” I said, already on my way to the refrigerator.”

I got us both some water, and sat back down at the table. I couldn’t help but stare. I’ve had a wonderful life, and I’ve never really felt the absence of a dad, but in the back of my mind I would sometimes wonder what he looked like; did he look like me? I always wondered what he was doing with his life and, not knowing that he didn’t know I existed, I would wonder if he would think of me; if he wondered what I was doing at a certain moment. Now, he was right here . . . a couple of feet away, and all I could do was stare at him. Oh, before you think I’m being weird or something, I should mention that he was staring at me, too; though he had this dreamy, happy, teary look. I was in a little state of shock, I guess. Finally, he turned his attention to my mom, and I saw his expression change. I think he had forgotten the reason he was here, in the first place. She turned toward us, and I saw his expression change, and he put on a fake smile for her benefit.

“Something smells wonderful, Dana.”

“It’s pot roast, your favorite.”

“The one your mom used to make?” he asked excitedly. I could understand the excitement, because that pot roast is very good.

“Of course,” my mom replied.

Soon enough, we were helping ourselves to the pot roast and stuffing our faces; well, I was, and so was Jamie; my mom picked at it. She had been losing her appetite over the past week or so, and this didn’t go unnoticed by Jamie. I saw him watching her, a look of concern when she wasn’t looking at him. Dinner was silent, a comfortable silence, but silence nonetheless. What do you say to your dad, a guy who you have just met after 16 years? What does a man say to the son he thought he lost? What does the mother say to the man she lied to? It was like . . . if we didn’t say anything, the issues didn’t exist, and we could be comfortable with each other. Eventually, it was time for dessert, and my mom told me to get the milk while she got the cookies. She told Jamie to sit, because he was the guest and, although you could see he wanted to argue, he listened.

I was just getting the milk, when I heard a crash, and I turned and saw my mom standing there, looking in disbelief at all the cookies on the floor. It happened in a split second; Jamie and I both ran to her.

“I-I’m ok; I guess my hands just slipped, and…oh Jamie! I’m sorry; I wanted it to be perfect; I made your favorite cookies, and now they are all over the floor.” She looked like she wanted to cry.

“Hey, Dana don’t worry about it; it’s ok; why don’t we help clean this up, and then Kyle and I can go get some ice cream. You can go lie down for a bit, and I’ll bring you back your favorite . . . mint chocolate chip with hot fudge and whipped cream, right?” He said this with kindness in his eyes, and she responded with a small smile. “Yes, how did you remember?”

“Hmm, maybe because we went for ice cream at least twice a week for as long as I can remember; you always got the same thing.” He smiled at her, gave her a hug, and said, “Besides, this gives me a chance to get to know Kyle. Now go lie down, and we’ll pick up the chocolate chip and dirt cookies.”

She laughed at that, and gave me a hug before she went upstairs to her room. I let out a sigh, and started helping clean up. The more time passes, the worse she gets, and I have a front row seat; it’s hard to watch, and I could only imagine how hard it is on her.

Jamie squeezed my shoulder when we finished, in a way that made me think he knew what I was thinking, and said, “How about that ice cream?”

“Ok, there’s this place on 5^th and Langley that makes the best ice cream; Ethan and I go there all the time.”

“Who’s Ethan?” Oh shit! I hadn’t meant to mention Ethan.

“My best friend.”

“Ok, lead the way; you drive, right?”

“Yes.”

“Well, why don’t you drive us?”

“Ok.”

We got to the ice cream place and ordered; it turned out we like the same kind, except he likes cherries, and I don’t. We sat down, and both started eating our ice cream in silence.

“So…,” Jamie said, breaking the silence.

“So…,” I replied.

“So, tell me about yourself. What kinds of things do you like to do?”

“Umm, well, I like movies, books, hanging out with my friends, music. I don’t do any sports, but some of my friends do. I don’t know; this isn’t easy; I don’t know what to say.”

“Yeah, I’m kind of feeling like that, too, but I’m sure we’ll get to know each other eventually.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry,” Jamie said. “This isn’t easy; I thought you were dead. It’s hard to wrap my head around everything. I’m sure it’s not easy for you, either, but it will get better.” He stopped suddenly. “I wish this wasn’t happening to you, Kyle, not because I don’t want to be a part of your life, but because nobody should have to lose their mom at your age. I know it won’t be ‘better’ in that way; that’s not what I mean; I just mean that this not knowing what to say will get better; we’ll get to know each other and, hopefully, we can start to try to make up for all the years we’ve lost.”

“Yeah, maybe. Listen, I hate to bring this up, but, well you seem like a nice guy; it’s just I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to change schools, or lose my friends; I don’t want to move across the country to some place I’ve never been, and live with someone I don’t know. I also don’t want to leave my grandpa here alone, and I don’t want to give up the person I have in my life who is very special to me. I would like to get to know you, but I was thinking that maybe I could get emancipated or something. You could always visit; I could, too, but I don’t want to live with you. I really do want to get to know you, though.”

He sat there for a while, looking at me, and finally said, “I get it, I really do, and I can’t begin to imagine how you must feel about all this, but you are sixteen, and while you may think you are grown up enough, you aren’t, and you have someone willing to help you through the hard times ahead. For those who don’t, or for those who have people who don’t care about them, emancipation is an option; but I care about you, and I haven’t been around for the last sixteen years; give me the next two, please. At least give me a chance. I’ll bring you back here for a visit sometimes. You’ll be in college in two years, and then you can decide if you want to continue to be a part of my life; I hope you will. Your mom wants this; I want this. Just think about it.”

I didn’t want to think about it. I mean, what is so bad about wanting to stay here? I can take care of myself. I can get a job, and the house is already owned by my mom, so it goes to me, right? Ugh! I don’t even want to think about this; I don’t want her to die; I don’t want to move away from Ethan, or my grandpa, and I don’t want to lose my friends. If that makes me a selfish asshole, then that’s what I am. You can’t say I’m selfish when it comes to Ethan, though. Those vultures he calls parents will drain the life out of him. Maybe he can come with me if I have to go. What would Jamie think of having a gay son? I don’t think my brain will ever shut down.

We finished our ice cream in silence, and then Jamie ordered my mom’s ice cream. When we got home, Jamie told me that they were going to talk for a while. I called Ethan and told him what had gone on that day. We must have talked for at least an hour, before his mom told him it was time for him to get off the phone and go to bed. I had just hung up with him, when Jamie came into the living room, with red eyes, and sat down next to me.

“Is she ok?” I asked.

“Yeah, she’s fine; she enjoyed the ice cream, and now she’s just lying in her bed watching TV. What are you watching?”

“I’m not watching anything; I was talking to a friend; I just got off the phone right before you came down.”

“Oh, ok. So, umm, what do you normally do now?”

“Different things . . . get on the internet, watch TV, listen to music, do homework, if I have any, hang out with my friend Ethan; just different things, but to be honest, it’s been a long day, and I’m tired; I think I’m going to go to bed.”

“Oh, ok, no problem; I guess I better do that, too.”

I got up and got to the foot of the stairs before I heard my name.

“Kyle, I know this isn’t the most comfortable of situations, and I know it might feel awkward now, but I’m glad we are getting to know eat other.”

“Me, too.” I said, before climbing the stairs. I stripped down and got into bed, but despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. James is a nice guy; I’ll give him that, and he does seem to want to get to know me, but I still stand by what I said . . . I don’t want to leave. It’s not so much the moving that I hate; it’s the leaving my grandpa and Ethan behind that I don’t like. I know that no matter what I say, I’ll have to move. I just wish I could take them with me.

The next morning, as I made my way down the stairs to the kitchen, I heard laughing. I couldn’t help but smile; how long had it been since I heard her laugh? Too long. I felt myself grow to like him just a little bit more at the thought that he was making her laugh.

“You just had to wear those baggy jeans because everybody was wearing them, and I remember you were trying to act all cool strutting around, and you went to get your food, and were walking to our table, and down those jeans went! Right there in the middle of the cafeteria! I about died laughing, and you looked so mortified; it only made me laugh harder.” She laughed hard at this, and I made my appearance known by laughing with her.

“Really? Who would ever think that was a good look?”

“Why you little…” He went to grab for me, and I ran.

“Boys, come on, breakfast will get cold. Kyle, I made your favorite . . . chocolate chip pancakes.”

“Yes!” I said, as I quickly made my way to the table. We had a nice breakfast, telling more embarrassing stories, some involving me, though I protested, and then my mom said she was going to lie down. James said he had something he had to do, and left to go to the guest room, and I was left sitting there, wondering what to do. I could go to Ethan’s, but his parents don’t like me, and they would be breathing down our necks the whole time, and I can’t invite Ethan here; we might slip and out ourselves to James. We never have to hide here, and it might be too hard to hide it now. I just don’t want to take the chance of not having a place to live. I don’t know him well enough to know if he would be okay with me being gay. Eventually, I decided to go see if James would want to see a movie, so I went up the stairs, trying to be quiet, in case my mom was sleeping, and went up to the guest room door.

“I know, I know I just…”

I stopped myself from knocking, because I didn’t want to interrupt him, and turned to head back downstairs, but what he said next stopped me in my tracks.

“I don’t want him…. Yes, I know I have to…”

I couldn’t listen to anymore; I just went to my room after that. He didn’t want me? Well, that’s fucking great! Great show he put on! He’s a good actor, making it seem like he was glad to be getting to know me, and this morning? It was great; I hadn’t laughed so much in a while, at least not since my mom’s diagnosis. Why would I move in with a guy who felt like he was obligated to have me? Two years of hell is what it would be. At least if I was here, I would have Ethan and grandpa.

*knock knock*

“Yes?”

“Hey, Kyle, I have to go somewhere; will you be okay here?”

“Yeah, I’m not five years old; I’ll be fine,” I said a little rudely, but I was pissed.

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Okay, I’ll, uh, be back in a couple of hours.”

“Okay.”

*James*

If I could describe what it’s like to learn that your child didn’t die, and is actually alive and well, shock is what you feel; followed by anger, and then a deep feeling of sadness to the core of your being. I also feel betrayed by the person I thought of as my best friend, but the more time I take to think about it, the more I feel like I understand it. Does it make it right? No, but although it wasn’t the right thing to do, at the time it felt right for her, and I know that she thought she was doing the right thing for me. Kyle seems like a good kid; he is your typical teenager, selfish, but he also thinks that he is doing the right thing when he says he doesn’t want to leave. I’m hoping I can talk his Grandpa into moving to Seattle. Dana and I talked about it last night, when I took her the ice cream, and she told me what happened, and how she thinks that the fall, her father took, scared him more than actually hurt him. She said she didn’t feel it indicated that he couldn’t care for himself, and that he hadn’t had a fall since. She said that she thought he was just lonely after her mom’s death, and that when he fell, he had to face the fact that he wasn’t so young anymore, and that his wife had died, and he was all alone in a big house. I think that if I could get him to move to Seattle, that Kyle would adjust better, so I’m going to go talk to him.

When I got there, I quickly found his room (Dana had told me the number) and knocked on the door.

“Come in,” Jack said.

I stepped inside and saw Jack sitting in a chair with a book. He looked up then, and grinned.

“Jamie? Well, I’ll be damned, boy! it’s good to see you! Come over here and give me a hug.”

I couldn’t help but grin back, and went to give him his hug. My dad was nice to me; he treated me well (when I saw him). See, my dad often had to travel for business, and my mom got bored easily, so she had a job that took much of her time, as well, and Jack and Ellen (Dana’s mom) were there to help fill the gap my parents left. Jack was the dad I wished my dad could have been as I was growing up. Jack took me to baseball games, to the park, out for ice cream, and various other places. He treated me like a son, and I can’t help but feel a little betrayed by him for not telling me the truth, but I guess, like Dana, he thought he was doing something good; he loved me too much for that not to be his reason.

“Sit down, Jamie,” he said, suddenly serious.

“I know why you are here. First of all I have to tell you how sorry I am that I didn’t tell you the truth. When Dana told me everything, the phone call, her lying to you, and why, I felt that it was probably best that you thought it was true. I wanted you to be happy, and I knew that Ellen and I could help Dana in raising a baby, and I also knew that going away was probably your one chance at becoming a doctor. When I was eighteen, I was in the same situation with Ellen, and I had a full scholarship as well. I wanted to be a lawyer, but when I found out Ellen was pregnant, I put it on hold. I told Ellen that I would just save the money and go later, but as time went on, things came up and the money always had to be spent on something. That’s why I knew that if I didn’t lie, as well, that you would stay and, despite your intentions at going to school later, you probably wouldn’t. Of course, I would have offered you the money, but I knew you wouldn’t take it; and not only that, but I knew you would never marry my daughter. I knew that you wouldn’t be happy here with her. I know now that I was wrong, I know you would have made sacrifices, but I know you would’ve done so to be a father. I made those sacrifices, and I don’t regret them one bit. I wish I could go back in time and make it right, but I can’t; all I can do is hope that one day you can forgive me.”

“Jack, I can’t say that I do forgive you completely, at least right now. This is a huge shock for me. I mean, I’m happy that I found out I have a son, but I’m also devastated that I didn’t get to see him grow up. Anyway, about why I’m here. Dana explained to me that you fell, and I hope she doesn’t mind me telling you this, but she told me that you hadn’t fallen since, and that she thinks that you are able to care for yourself, and that you don’t really need to be here. She said that she thought that you were lonely in that big house by yourself, and that the fall scared you more than it would have if you hadn’t lost your wife just a few months before. I think I have to agree; you look great, and I know this isn’t really a nursing home. It’s more like one of those assisted living places for retired people. I heard that you took an early retirement, but hell; you are only in your fifties! Who do you think you were fooling? You don’t need to live in a place like this. I think the only reason Dana agreed was because you had just recently lost Ellen, and she couldn’t bear to say no to you.”

I couldn’t help but laugh! It was ridiculous, funny, and, yet, sad all at once. I had to get him to move to Seattle; he has to start living again, and I don’t want to take Kyle away from him.

“You’re right. I just wanted to get out of that house. I couldn’t live there without her, and I didn’t want to take over Dana’s house, either. She wouldn’t have minded, but I didn’t want her to feel like she had to take me in. Lately, I’ve been thinking of getting an apartment and getting out of here. This place seemed like it was the right place to go at the time; I was still mourning over Ellen, and I couldn’t seem to take care of myself. I couldn’t remember when to eat, drink, or anything. Dana had to call and remind me to do things, so I would keep myself alive. Now, I think I’m ready to start living again.”

“Jack, I want to make you an offer. If you don’t mind me asking, how much do you pay per month to live here?”

“$1200, why?”

“Ok, well, I was wondering if you would consider moving to Seattle. You would be able to see Kyle all the time, and you would be able to start over; get your life back together in a new place.”

“I don’t…”

“No, wait, hear me out. Kyle is having a hard time with the reality of having to move away from everything he knows; rightfully so, I might add, but I thought that if Kyle had you around, it would make the adjustment easier; plus, I would have my second dad back,” I said with a grin. “I have a guest house that is separate from the main house, and all you would have to pay is the utilities and whatever food you want, if you don’t want to eat in the main house.”

He stayed silent for a while before he finally spoke.

“I can’t do that. Jamie, you just met each other, and, yes I agree he is and will continue to have a hard time with all the changes, but you didn’t get the chance to be a father for the first sixteen years of his life, and he didn’t get the chance to have a father. Yes, he will be stubborn; he won’t like moving; it will hit him hard when Dana…when he has to leave everything he knows, and he will take it out on you. If I were there, he would come running to me with all his problems, and I would be his excuse for never getting to know you; and then he will be off to college, and the two of you won’t have built a relationship. I’m not saying it will be easy; he will test you like you’ve never been tested. I know my grandson, and while he is the kindest, sweetest kid you’ll ever know, he is also stubborn, and he can be hurtful, if he wants to be, but it will be because he is hurting and will take it out on you. I do want to be close to Kyle, but I want to give the two of you a chance to build a relationship, and if I were there, I would get in the way of that. Here’s what I’m offering; I will move to Seattle when I feel like both of you are acting like father and son, but, Jamie, don’t tell Kyle any of this. If he knows that I’ll be there eventually, he’ll only act like he is getting along with you; he won’t seriously view you as his dad. I know you will love each other like a father and son should, eventually. In the meantime, I’ll wait right here.”

We spent the next hour catching up, talking about nothing important, and avoiding any more serious conversation. When I got back to Dana’s house, it was quiet. Dana was sleeping, and Kyle was gone, so I sat on the couch, and turned on the TV, which I didn’t really watch. It seemed like my brain would never slow down. Regardless, I fell asleep.

*Kyle*

I couldn’t believe he told whoever it was on the phone that he didn’t want me. That hurts. I mean, I know I don’t want to move in with him, but still, he is my father. How could a father not want his son, the son he thought was dead? I didn’t want to bother my mom with this; after all, she seemed tired lately, and I didn’t want to wake her up, but eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore, and went to talk to her. Luckily, she was awake, watching TV.

“Mom?”

“Yes, honey?”

“Umm, well, I need to talk to you about something, but I don’t want you to get upset.”

“Just tell me, hon.”

“Well, I went up to see if James wanted to watch a movie with me, and I overheard him talking on the phone. I wasn’t eavesdropping, I swear. I turned around to head back downstairs when I heard him say that he didn’t want me, but he had to take me.”

“Honey, are you sure that’s exactly what he said?”

“Well, no; he said, ‘I don’t want him,’ and then he said, ‘I know I have to.’”

“Kyle, I’m sure you misunderstood. We had a long conversation when he brought me my ice cream. Kyle, he is absolutely thrilled about getting the chance to get to know you. You don’t know who he was talking to, or really what he was talking about. James is a very nice guy, and he wouldn’t say he doesn’t want you. If you could have seen the look of devastation I caused when he thought I lost you, then you would know that he does want you. Kyle, it really will be all right, you know. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you have people who love you, who will make sure that you are happy, even if it takes a while for you to find that happiness again. I will always be with you right here,” she said, while placing her hand on my chest. “Trust me, he does want you.”

I nodded, but I know what I heard, and I’m not convinced I misunderstood. I stayed with her and watched TV for a while, before I told her I was going to go see Ethan. It had been too long, and I really wanted to talk to him.

~~~~~~~~~~

James stayed for three more days, before he had to leave to go back to work. I was civil to him, but I couldn’t help but replay in my head what he said; and it made me dislike him more as time went on.

“Bye, Kyle. I’ll see you soon…well, not too soon, I hope.” I knew what he meant; he didn’t want me to lose my mom too soon. I, or my grandpa, was to call him when we thought the time was near. I hoped I didn’t see him for a very long time.

“Bye, James.” I said, reluctantly returning the hug he gave me. He turned toward my mom and said, “I’d stay if I could, but I can’t.”

“I understand; bye Jamie.”

I watched him get in the rental car and drive away. I would see him again, soon; too soon.