Life as I know it chapter 3

I sat there shocked. What does she mean she found my father? Why would she do that? Finally, I got out, "Father? But why?"

"Kyle, what's going to happen when I'm gone? Where will you live? Honey, I…I just want to know that you are taken care of; that you are loved. Your dad is a good man. I want you to live with him."

"But I don't know him; he doesn't know me! How do you know he will even want anything to do with me? I'm sixteen; I can take care of myself." I sat back, my arms across my chest. It's not fair! I'm going to lose my mom, and now I might have to move away? Move in with someone I've never met? NO! Fuck, no! I will not lose everything else, on top of my mom. I will not change schools; I won't move away; I won't lose my grandpa, the only family I'll have left; and I will not lose Ethan! I sat there glaring at my mom, but seeing the wary look on her face, I softened my expression; I'm a selfish asshole!

She sat back, getting comfortable, and she began telling me what she calls 'the biggest mistake of my life.'

Your dad, James, and I were very close friends. Our parents were friends and neighbors. In fact, it was an ongoing joke to the four of them that they did everything together. They married around the same time, bought their houses at the same time, and our mothers were pregnant with us at the same time. James and I were born 3 weeks apart, and we were friends from the beginning. We didn't go through the 'cooties' stage; in fact, we really didn't see each other as 'boy' and 'girl'; all we knew is that we were best friends.

We made it all the way to senior year without me having a boyfriend or him having a girlfriend. Looking back, I know that people thought we were more than friends. We were curious about sex; who isn't at that age? We decided that we didn't want to be virgins when we started college, so we decided to experiment. We had a saying, "Who else can you trust if you can't trust your best friend?" So we were each other's first kiss; first everything, really. We didn't want to be in a relationship; it was really just sex.

When I found out I was pregnant, I panicked. James' family didn't have a lot of money, and he dreamed of becoming a doctor. The only way he could go to college would be if he got a full scholarship, and he managed to get one to a school in Washington. Anywhere close to where we lived only offered him partial scholarships and we had accepted that we would be separated for college, but when I found out about you, I decided I didn't want to tell him, because I didn't want him to give up his dream."

She smiled wistfully. "I knew that if I told him, he would stay; he's just that type of person. He knew something was wrong, and he kept trying to get it out of me. Eventually, I broke down and told him. Just like I thought, he said he would stay and go to a community college. I cried for a long time over that. I didn't want him to give up on his dreams. I had been accepted to a university close to home, and I knew that my parents would help me with you, but James? Staying meant that he wouldn't get to do what he wanted, or at least that it would take more time, more struggling to make it. I didn't want that."

She stood up from the chair and walked over to the window, looking, but not really seeing.

"I had a difficult pregnancy. I almost lost you several times, especially at first. Every time, James would be right there in the hospital with me, holding my hand, reassuring me. One time, I began having problems, and James came running like usual. After I told him everything was ok, he relaxed, and so did I; I fell asleep. When I awoke, he didn't notice; he was talking on the phone. What he was saying . . . it shocked me, but it also made me feel guilty. I knew I could never give him what he needed; what he wanted. I had to let him go. I had to let him live the life he really wanted. I wanted him to go to school; I wanted him to be happy.

The next time I ended up in the hospital, I lied to him. I told him that I lost you. As soon as it was out of my mouth, and I saw the devastation on his face, I knew I made a mistake. I should have talked to him about what I heard; I should have tried to figure out how he could be happy, yet still be your father. Lying to him is my biggest regret. I'll never forgive myself for depriving you of a father, and him of a son.

The next month, he left for school, and I started school as well. My parents moved with me, because they knew James' parents would find out about you when I grew bigger. James called me often, but I felt so guilty. I told him that I needed some time, and I asked him not to call again; that I'd call him. I never did. Because of my lie, I lost my best friend; my parents lost their best friends; you missed out on a father; and he missed out on a son. I thought I was doing something good, but I quickly learned I wasn't, and I was too much of a coward to admit I lied."

She turned toward me and said, "I'm dying Kyle; I can feel my body starting to betray me. I can't make up for the past, for my mistakes, but I can try. James is a wonderful guy. He is funny, caring, honest, and I know he would want a chance to be your dad, to get to know you, to watch you grow into the man you are already growing into. I know I'm asking a lot. I'm asking you to live with someone you don't know, change schools, move half-way across the country, leave Ethan…but I want you to get the chance I never gave you the opportunity to have. I want you to know your father."

She sat down in her chair, exhausted, and I sat there speechless. Finally, I said;

"I always thought he never knew, but you…you lied; you deceived him, his parents, me! You made me think that my dad was just some random guy." I could feel my voice rising. "You had all this time to make it right, all these years to try and contact him, and tell him the truth, and you are just now doing it? Have you even called him yet?"

"No," she said softly.

"Would you have ever done it if we weren't in this situation?"

"I…I don't know."

Shaking my head at her, I said, "I will not leave Ethan, I will not leave my school, I will not leave grandpa! I can take care of myself; I don't need someone who knows nothing about me to tell me what to do. Besides, Ethan needs me; what the fuck is he going to do without me? He already has to lose you, but lose me, too? Be stuck with his parents in that house…no, that prison! No, I'm not leaving, I'm not!"

I had to get out of there! My mind was swimming with thoughts and unanswered questions, I left the house, and immediately pulled out my phone to call Ethan.

"Meet me at the park."

"Are you ok?" Ethan asked.

"Yes, just meet me, ok?"

"Yeah, sure; I'm leaving right now," Ethan said.

"See you in about ten minutes."

"Ok."

The park I was talking about was within walking distance, so I started walking, not really thinking about anything around me, and I was soon there. Seeing that Ethan wasn't there yet, I found a bench and sat down to wait. I didn't have to wait long; Ethan practically ran up to me.

"What's wrong? Is your mom ok?"

"She's fine, Eth, I just…," I ran my hand over my face, wondering how I was going to tell him that I might have to leave him. I'd do anything I could to stay, but what if I have to leave?

"Mom found my dad. He lives in Washington and she wants me to go live with him." His jaw dropped, and remained open, as I told him what my mom told me; about her lying; how he doesn't know I exist. After I finished, we sat there silently for a long time, before he said, "What's going to happen with us? If you leave, does that mean we have to break up? Why can't you stay here? I mean, you are sixteen; maybe you can do that emancipation thing."

He wasn't saying anything that I wasn't thinking about myself, but hearing him talk about breaking up, voicing it, hurt more than I could possibly imagine.

"No matter what, we are not breaking up. I don't know what's going to happen, but I know that I want to be with you; I love you. We'll figure it out. In two years we will be going to college, so we will just have to make sure we still go to the same college. Maybe we can visit each other. Two years isn't that long." Yeah, right; two years is a long time . . . too long. I don't know if I was trying to convince just him, or me, too.

Reaching over, I stroked his cheek, looking into the watery eyes. "I promise; no matter what, we will be together. Even if we have to be apart for awhile, we will be together again. Glancing around, and seeing no one, I kissed him, trying to put all of what I feel for him in that kiss.

"We'll make it."

"Yeah, we will," he agreed, trying to smile, but not quite making it.

"You staying the night?"

"Of course; when am I not staying the night?"

"Come on, let's go."

Little did I know, as I was talking to Ethan, my mom was talking to my dad.

*Dana (mom)*

I think telling Kyle about his dad, about what I did, was worse than finding out I'm dying. No, maybe not, but it's definitely just as bad. How do I feel about dying? Well, I can't really describe it. I'm scared; scared of the unknown, but I'm also worried about Kyle. I'm worried that he won't handle it well. I'm sad mostly; sad that I won't be able to see my son become a man; won't see him grow as a human being. I'm also angry, angry with myself for not pushing the doctors, angry with the doctors for not doing more. I guess I'm a mess right now, but I try hard not to show it in front of Kyle. I think I've been successful. I love him with everything I am, and I don't want him to see me fall apart; I do that when I'm alone.

I have to call James - no time like the present; my hand is shaking so much - from the tumor or from nerves; I can't be sure. I pick up the phone and dial the number on the piece of paper I have.

My heart is beating fast; I hear the phone ring: one ring, two rings. Maybe he won't answer.

"Hello?" the voice answers; it's not James.

"Is there a James there?" I asked hesitantly.

"Yes, can I ask who this is?"

"D-Dana," I stuttered. 'Shit, get a hold of yourself, Dana!' I chastised myself.

"Umm, ok, I'll go get him," the man said.

"Hello? Dana?"

"Hello, Jamie."

"Oh my God! Dana, is that really you? How have you been? No, wait, what's wrong? Are you ok? Is your dad ok?"

I almost laughed at his rapid fire questions. It's how he has always been. Knowing why I was calling him sobered me quickly.

"Yes, it's really me. Dad is fine. He is in a nursing home now, but they treat him well, and he actually likes it."

"That's good, Dana; I'm glad he's ok. I'm glad he's happy; he was always good to me. Your mom, too; I heard she passed a few years ago. I'm sorry, Dana; she was a good woman."

"Thanks, Jamie."

"It's been a long time, Dana; what happened? One day you said you needed a little time, and then you never called back. Then I heard you moved, and, well I didn't know what to think. I kept waiting for you to call, and you never did."

"I'm sorry, Jamie. I'm so sorry; you don't know how sorry I am."

"It's ok, Dana. I just…it doesn't matter. I'm just glad you are calling me now."

"Actually, I have something important to tell you. I really don't want to tell you this over the phone, but what else can I do?"

"Why don't you come up here? I can show you around Seattle; you said you have always wanted to see it."

"I can't, James; I can't travel."

"What? Why not?"

"I have cancer…"

"What?" he breathed out in shock.

"A brain tumor; it's terminal."

"Oh no! Oh, Dana, I'm sorry."

"No, don't be sorry. You know, you are making this very hard to tell you what I need to tell you. You'll hate me, and, frankly, I won't blame you for hating me; I hate myself because of it."

"I could never hate you."

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath, and jumped in.

"I made a mistake, a big mistake; something I have always regretted. I lied to you. I thought I was giving you what you wanted. I thought I was giving you a chance to be happy, but I soon realized my mistake. Instead of fixing the mistake by telling you the truth, I was a coward, and I kept lying. I didn't lose the baby, Jamie; I had him. His name is Kyle, and he is such a good boy. I'm so sorry; I know sorry doesn't begin to make up for it, but I am."

He was silent for so long that I had to see if he hung up.

"But…why? Why would you do something so…so cruel? We had a plan; I was going to stay with you, help you. Why?"

"One time, when I was in the hospital, I woke up to hearing you on the phone. What you were saying…well I knew you would never really be happy if you stayed. I could never give you what you wanted. I thought that by lying, you wouldn't be obligated to stay."

"So why now? Because you are dying, huh? Is that it? You decide 'oh I'll call Jamie, because I want to clear my conscience before I die."

I couldn't help but gasp at that; it hurt, and I deserved it. I heard him take a deep breath, and then he said, "I'm sorry, Dana; that was low."

"No, I deserved it. I will never forgive myself for denying you the chance to be a father, and Kyle the chance to have a father. I should have just talked to you about what I heard, but I was shocked, and I reacted."

"Yeah, I guess that would be shocking. I'm sorry I never told you. I didn't know how, especially with you being pregnant. I guess we are both guilty for our lack of communication."

"Listen, I know I don't deserve to ask you for a favor, but the reason I called is that…well, to be honest, Kyle has nowhere to go when I'm gone, and I was hoping he could live with you. You would get a chance to be the father I stopped you from being, and Kyle would get to know his father."

"Can I meet him now? I mean, can I come there and meet him?"

"Yes, of course you can. When?"

"Friday?"

"Yeah, that would be great, though I have to warn you, he isn't too thrilled with the possibility of living with you. I think it's more about having to move than actually living with you."

"I can understand that."

"Jamie…do you think you can ever forgive me?"

"I-I don't know Dana. I really don't."

"Ok, I guess that's fair."

"I'll call this number to let you know what time I'll be there; ok?"

"Ok. Do you need me to pick you up at the airport?"

"No, I'll rent a car."

"In that case, you will need the address." I gave him the address, and we said our goodbyes.

Now I have to tell Kyle that his dad is coming. That should go over well.

*Kyle*

When we got home, my mom was sitting in her chair watching TV, and when I started to drag Ethan up the stairs to my room, she stopped me.

"Kyle, come here for a second."

"Yeah, mom?"

"I called your dad."

My dad . . . those words sound so weird to me. I want to know what he said, but at the same time, I don't. I don't want to like him; I don't want to move.

"He is going to be here Friday."

"What? You mean he's coming here? To the house?"

"Yes, he wants to meet you."

"What if I don't want to meet him?"

She glared at me. That look said 'don't push it' and I couldn't make myself, no matter how much I wanted to. I keep thinking that this may be the last day, and I don't want to fight with her, so I kept my mouth shut.

"You will meet him. He is flying all the way from Seattle to meet you, and you damn well better put on a smile and be nice."

"Yes, ma'am," I said softly. I reached out to Ethan, and, taking his hand, pulled him up the stairs.

It was too early to sleep, but all I wanted to do was lie in my bed with Ethan's arms wrapped around me. I didn't ask, but he somehow knew what I needed, because he laid on the bed and motioned for me to lie next to him.

"I don't want to leave you."

"I don't want you to leave either, but, and don't get mad when I say this, but maybe it would be a good thing to get to know your dad. You would only have to live with him for two years, and then we start college. I would miss you like crazy, but it might be a good thing to have him in your life. I would give anything to have a dad that gives a shit."

"See, that's another reason I don't want to leave; you would be stuck at home all the time."

"Well, it's not so bad, really. It's just that they ignore me, and when they do pay attention, it's to tell me to read my bible, or to say my prayers, and they always ask me if I sinned today. But, besides that, they just ignore me. Being ignored isn't so bad, especially when I know that it's only for two more years."

"I still don't want you to have to deal with them. You are just too damn optimistic."

"Yeah, maybe I am, but I know it will be ok. We will always be together, I know it."

* * *

"Mom, sit down. I told you I would help make the cookies."

"No, I want to do this. James used to love my cookies, but thanks, honey."

I just sat there watching her rushing around. Today is a good day; she isn't shaking, and she hasn't been forgetting what she wants to say, and I haven't seen her drop anything. It makes me happy to see her looking like herself, and not the woman who has a brain tumor. I can't help but wonder how many 'good days' I'll see.

My, umm, well, my dad . . . shit, just the thought is weird, is coming today, and she is going crazy trying to fix all of his favorites. My mom asked me to invite Ethan, but I told her I didn't want to, because I don't know what my dad would think about me being gay. She laughed, and said, "I don't think he would care." But when she saw I wasn't budging, changed the subject.

I can't sit still, I'm so nervous. What if he hates me? What if he has a family? What if he's single, and doesn't want some sixteen year old kid screwing up his chance to find someone? What would he do if he finds out I'm gay?

A knocking at the door interrupted my thoughts.

Oh shit! This is it.

My mom went to answer the door, while I stayed in the kitchen.

"Hello, Jamie."